What I Have Learned

Since this is the last day of the year, I wanted to write a conclusion to my year of "baby steps towards wisdom."  To determine if this endeavor was a success or failure, I asked myself what I have learned.  I reread some of my posts.  I reviewed the lessons I tried to learn...waking up early, working diligently, dealing with anger in a godly manner, giving soft answers, being more disciplined, not being weary in well doing.  I tried to honestly access my success and my failure on each task.  I have been more successful at some endeavors, less so in others.  But if you boil it all down to one thing, THIS is what I have learned this year:

God's way works.

Sometimes I can understand why, sometime I can't, but if I strive to do the things that God's word says is beneficial, life is better.  I get excited when I find a new-to-me admonition in the Bible, or when I find an answer to the problem I am currently experiencing.  I get excited because I know, in a way I have never before known as surely as I do now, that if I can execute the instruction...improvement will occur.  It just will.  It has.  Over and over again this year, I have watched problems improve because of God's wisdom applied in my daily life.  Perfectly applied?  HAHAHA....never.  But I really have given it a honest attempt.  And it worked.

So this year I have learned God's word really is a lamp unto our feet and a light unto our path.  Not just in an eternal, when life is done heaven is your home kind of way.  But in a day to day life is tough and kids aren't easy and marriages can get messy kind of way.  The answers to our problems are there if we will search them out and apply them to ourselves.  I have learned that God's way works, and that is a step towards wisdom.  I am thankful.

God bless all of you, and may 2014 see all of us grow in our knowledge of and love for Him.  Happy New Year!!!

The Stocking Stories

For years, HBON and I did not do the Christmas stocking thing at our house.  We didn't want to.  It seemed frivolous to have more sweets and gifts added to an already abundant amount of those unnecessary blessings we were surrounded with during that time of year.  The expense and effort did not seem worth the reward.  Then, about four or five years ago, our daughter came to us with a heartfelt plea to add stockings to our Christmas tradition.  After much discussion, HBON and I decided we would give it a try, but that we wanted the stockings to mean more than "Yes!  More stuff for me!"  In this vein, my husband related this story to me.......

Daddy (HBON's daddy) grew up poor.  The Great Depression didn't have a whole lot of effect on their family, because they were already too poor to notice much difference.  One Christmas, Daddy ran into the living room where the children had hung up their old socks the night before; and he could tell there was something in the toe of his sock.  FIlled with excitement, he ran to the sock, pulled in down, reached into the toe, and pulled out an ENTIRE orange.  He was soooooo excited!  A WHOLE orange that he did not have to share with anybody else.  And that was Christmas that year..nothing under a tree...no big feast for lunch...just that one,beautiful orange. And in his mind...even as an adult...he would speak with a hushed voice and a grin when he would tell that story. 

Now, in the overabundance that has become Christmas in America, this story may seem sad, but that was not the way HBON's father would tell the story.  It was always told as if this was one of the best Christmas's of his entire life.  See, in that little boy's mind, an entire orange to eat by one's self was an extravagance not to be imagined.  And to receive that orange at that time was a blessing of abundance he never forgot as long as he lived on this earth.  He didn't lament what he didn't have, or demand as his right something better.  He recognized...well into his eighties...the sacrifice of love his parent's had made to give him that gift.  He was thankful.

So as the conversation continued, we were discussing how gifts don't have to be huge to be special, and I then told HBON this story about my mother's childhood....

Momma was a fairly difficult child when she was young.  She came from a broken home. Her mother was deemed mentally unfit to raise her and her sister, and at that time it was considered inappropriate for a man to raise two young girls on his own. So, my four-year-old mother and her sister were sent to live with their paternal grandparents, Papa and Grandmother.  Momma was an absolute handful, and spankings, timeouts, speeches, etc. did no good.  She was just too hurt to care.  But Papa noticed that this little granddaughter of his loved new socks.  So he made a deal with her...IF she tried to be good all week and IF she was good every Sunday in church...then she could come to town with him on town days.  And IF, while Papa ran his errands, she conducted herself as a little lady, he would stop into the store on the way home and buy her a new pair of socks.  This simple deal changed that little girl's behavior.  At first, the reward of socks was the main motivating factor, but notice it was connected to spending the whole day with this man....observing his interactions and having one on one conversations about things great and small.  As time passed, the time with Papa became her treasure.  The gentle, firm guidance of this patient man eventually tamed this wild, little girl.  It wasn't a big reward....not candy or a toy or an expensive something....just a day in town every so often, holding Papa's hand, and a new pair of socks at the end of the day.  That is all it took to convince that little girl that she was someone special.

Out of these two stories, our stocking tradition was born.  Every year we each get one orange, some socks, and one extra little gift in our stockings.  One simple, yet extravagant blessing received with a thankful heart.  One reminder that each of us is special to the others.  And one little extra, just because.  We tell the story of the orange and the story of the sock every year.  And while, right now, our children sort of roll their eyes and say...Yes, we already know this story! ... one day, I hope, they will recognize the nuggets of blessings found in their family's lore.  Abundant blessings.

Merry Christmas!

But Sometimes...

Isn't life funny.  I made my post yesterday about well doing, in part to encourage myself, in part to encourage you all; and this morning I was presented with another opportunity to help someone....and I said no.  Now here is the thing...I just could not do it today.  I had to work at the church, my house was a wreck because my focus had been a lot of other places this week, and Christmas is coming, y'all!  I had to have a day with just my troubles, responsibilities, and family to worry about if I had a hope of getting through next week.  So, I said no.

My friend, who called for the help, was wonderfully understanding, didn't make me feel at all guilty, and even called to give us an update on things so that we would not worry.  She knows, I hope...I think, that next time she needs some help she should call me and I will probably say yes.  Another friend sent me a little note encouraging me to feel okay about saying no sometimes because I say yes so much.  She even gave me a virtual pat on the back.  And that's the best thing about grown up friendships.  They (grown up friends)  get it when I have to say no, they will give me another opportunity to say yes, and they will love me no matter what.

We should be willing to be well doers.  We should want to be well doers.  But there are times in life that you just have to say no...and that is okay.  Recognizing our limits is not being weary....it is just being human.

Weary of Well Doing?

KJV Galatians 6 : 9-10

"And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.  As we have therefore opportunity, let us do good unto all men, especially unto them who are of the household of faith."

The straight way is difficult, and sometimes you just want to spend a day on the broad way so that you can "rest".  But that rest is false.  It is like a vivid nightmare while you sleep.  Yes, technically you rested...but you don't feel rejuvenated.    You are not excited to face the day ahead of you, and a million voices will call you back so that you may "rest" some more.  And you must fight to get back onto the straight way, more weary than when your veered off in the first place.

Well doing is wearisome.  Doing good to all men...even and especially the brethren....can be tiresome.  It can add work, responsibility, and stress to an already hectic life.  At first, we don't mind too much, because we figure it won't last for long.  But if we are faced with a long opportunity for well doing, we start to tire.  And then we start to make excuses for why we shouldn't help someone anymore, or maybe we even blame them for needing help.  But this verse cautions us against this downward spiral.  It admonishes us to not be weary...because in DUE season..we...shall...reap (good things is implied)  IF...IF...IF we faint not.

Fainting is a dastardly temptation.  Fainting not does not mean that you won't get tired....you will.  It doesn't mean that you won't get discouraged...you might.  It doesn't mean that you won't get frustrated...you can just about count on that.  Fainting not means doing what is right in the face of all the frustration, discouragement, and weariness.  Fainting not means...in the words of Sir Winston Churchill....."never give in, never give in, never, never, never- in nothing. great or small, large or petty - never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense.  Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy." (From a speech to Harrow School on October 29,1941)

Yielding is the easy path.  Giving up takes little effort.  But the consequences of that can be devastating.

Continuing on can be exhausting.  Holding fast can be excruciatingly  difficult.  But the consequences can be amazingly  full of blessings.

The world will tell you that you have done your part, that no one could reasonably expect you to continue on, that you deserve a break.  God's word says to not be weary, to not faint, to fight the good fight.  Earlier in this chapter of Galatians is this statement.."Be not deceived; God is not mocked; for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap."

So...do we continue in well doing...or do we take a day off.  I guess it comes down to who we believe more...God or man.

 Don't be weary friend.  Don't faint.  Due season is coming.  It's coming.

To Do List

He hath shown thee, o man, what is good.  And what doth the Lord require of thee? but to

Do Justly
Love Mercy and to
Walk Humbly with thy God.

That should keep us all busy for a while!

Discipline Is Never Easy

"He that spareth his rod hateth his son : but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes." KJV Proverb 13:24

"He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls." KJV Proverb 25:28

"He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city." KJV Proverbs 16:32



Discipline is hard to administer.  It is hard to administer to your children.  It is hard to administer to yourself. Discipline is hard.  I don't think anyone would dispute these statements.  So the question becomes....is discipline worth the effort?

In the above verses, discipline is defined in terms of victory and love, while a lack of discipline is defined in terms of devastation and hate.  Is victory better than devastation?  Is love better than hate?  Then discipline is worthy of our efforts, and the lack thereof worthy of our contempt.

We find it to be so in the natural world.  In athletics, business, and scholarly pursuits, those most admired are often those who exercise the greatest self-control.  Coaches who demand excellence from their players and chastise them for anything else are most often well respected.  Well behaved children are favorably commented on with wonder and praise.  And the opposites of these examples are also true.  Couch potatoes, bums, and dropouts are greatly ridiculed by society.  Coaches whose players run all over them rarely hang on to their jobs.  And everyone cringes to spend time around unruly children.  So to a great degree, even nature acknowledges the benefits of discipline.

But there is something strange happening in our society.  It seems like many think they can somehow evolve above the need for discipline.  They seem to think that pursuing every desire and whim will result is great achievement and happiness.  People who practice self deprivation are considered to be gluttons for punishment.  Children are coddled and babied all of their young lives, and then society wonders why they don't become productive adults.  It is as if our society, in trying to be enlightened, is leaving what works for something that is broken.

As we head into the holiday season of Thanksgiving, and continue into Christmas, I would like to focus on discipline....of self, of children, of emotions.  This is a time of year when it seems as if all discipline is thrown out the window, and we revel in fulfilling every want of ourselves and others.  I am as bad as anyone when it comes to overindulgence, especially during the holiday seasons.  So, I am going to close out this year of Proverbs resolutions by focusing on being disciplined.  Why don't you join me, and let's see together how much better it is to walk the narrow way.  We will meet few on our journey, and the way promises to be hard, but I can't wait to see what is at the end of this road.  Victory and love seem like a perfect way to end the year.

The Dreaded Silence

A soft answer turneth away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger.

This will probably be my last post on this particular subject, not because I have mastered this lesson, but because I am ready to focus on another lesson.  But before we leave the subject of how to answer, I wanted to address "The Dreaded Silence."  Now, ladies, we all know how to employ this tactic, and men, you have probably had to endure this at some point.  "The Dreaded Silence" is also known as the silent treatment.  And it is no answer.

Our mothers teach us that if we don't have anything nice to say, we should not say anything at all.  But there are times when we, primarily women I think, pervert this saying into something that can be quite harmful.  We get mad, or our feelings get hurt, and so we clam up.  We don't speak to the offending party, or if we must speak to them, we use as few syllables as possible.  But the fact is, this doesn't solve anything and usually stirs up anger.  Our feelings of hurt, frustration, or irritation just grow as we keep them bottled up and unexpressed.  They mount as the offended party does not read our mind and fix whatever  problem has occurred.  The one who our silence is directed toward becomes angry and frustrated at the admittedly juvenile treatment they are receiving.  Silence is grievous.

Notice that the proverb says a soft answer turns away wrath, not a silent answer.  Usually, when there is strife between adults, a conversation is going to have to take place to solve the problem.  This conversation will happen in one of three ways; a quick, violent eruption, a long fused but equally explosive eruption, or a mature, reasonable discussion.  The Dreaded Silence may stop the quick eruption, but often an eruption still occurs and it is usually more harmful for the time it has had to build.  How much better would it be to quietly and calmly express ourselves to one another.

Friends, this is such an easy thing to type and such a hard thing to practice.  I am prone to the quick and violent explosion.  In my efforts to prevent this reaction, too often  I have swung to the other extreme of The Dreaded Silence.  The eruption that often results from this is hurtful to myself and others.  The days of misery I add to myself are, well, miserable.  I pray that I can have the strength, maturity, and grace to choose to react to strife with an answer.  A quiet, reasonable, godly answer.  A wise, kind, gentle answer.  An answer full of truth and mercy.  In short, a soft answer that would turn away wrath.

The Purpose of Answering

"A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger"

In thinking about this Proverb over the last few weeks, I have been primarily focusing on the words soft and grievous.  But tonight I was struck by the words answer and words.  Just as soft and grievous are contrasted, so too are answer and words.

Often when we are faced with a situation involving strife, we feel compelled to put our "two cents" in, but we should be careful.  We should ask ourselves if what we are about to say is an answer - a solution, building block, bridge, or guidance - or is our statement just words.  Answers further the discussion in a positive direction, or bring a discussion to a close.  Words just further inflame, or stir up, a discussion.  For example, telling a child "no" quietly and firmly is an answer.  Often this answer is not appreciated, but it does tend to end the controversy fairly quickly.  Contrast this with explaining to a child that they can't have the desire because it is unhealthy, not safe, or just not appropriate.  Taking this approach often leads to an argument between parent and child, each defending their positions, until finally one or the other erupts in anger and the situation rapidly deteriorates into a screaming fit....and then the child starts throwing one too.  Certainly, there is a place for instruction, but sometimes a soft ANSWER will turn away wrath...even if the answer is grievous, like saying no.  And usually grievous WORDS will stir up anger, even if they are filled with soft-sounding "dears" and "sweeties".

This proverb teaches that what we say and how we say it, are of equal importance.  May God help us to judge when and how to speak in all our relationships and conversations.

Public vs. Private Fusses

In trying to keep my answers soft when faced with strife and frustration, I have been made to think about when and where to respond to situations that anger me.  The first thing I must do is to recognize whether or not a situation requires my response.  There are times we must respond; it is our duty, our responsibility, our job.  Correcting the behavior of our children would fall under this category.  Too often, however, we feel like we must respond when in actuality we should just remain silent.  We feel it is our right to respond.....our right- not our duty.  Whenever we feel like giving a response based on our rights versus a response based on obligation, we should be careful.  At that point, we are on a slippery slope and are in danger of pulling others down with us.

Even when we are responding out of duty, we should be careful what we say or do in public.  We should always realize that we are ambassadors of the kingdom, and how we act and what we say will cast a reflection on the Lord we serve.  Loud, angry, harsh, and hurtful words are never to be used, but even soft answers should be tempered in public.  Often a few words spoken privately will have a much more powerful effect on those around us than a long, public speech.  And the internet is rarely, if ever, the appropriate place to air differences.  Just because we can, does not mean that we should.

This thought feels incomplete, but it is all I have at the moment.  Maybe there will be more later.  Or maybe you could finish this thought for me in the comment section below.  I would welcome the input.

Charity

I had the chance yesterday to control my temper.  I didn't.  And I stirred up trouble for several people.  I later realized my mistake, talked to all involved, and everything is smoothed out.  It would have been so much better, and easier in the long run, if I had just counted to 100 before dealing with the latest situation dumped on me.  It was easy to handle, once I quit whining about being the person to handle it.  Anyway, I have a lot of work to do in this soft answer department.  I scolded/encouraged (I think both of those things can happen at the same time) myself with reading 1Cor :13.  It helped.  These words stood out to me.

 "Charity suffereth long, and is KIND; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, IS NOT EASILY PROVOKED, thinketh no evil; rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things."



 Not being easily provoked, bearing all things, being kind......exactly the traits involved in using soft answers to turn away wrath.  Today is a new day, and perhaps I will do better with these additional verses in my head.

A Soft Answer.....

My temper is the bane of my existence.  I hate it.  It is there all the time, bubbling under the surface, just waiting for an opportunity to erupt.  It is a continual struggle to keep it under wraps, and all to often I lose that battle.

 A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. (Proverbs 15:1KJV)


This Proverb condemns me every time I read it.  Too often I have spoken grievous, angry, frustrated, hurtful words to my children and husband.  I know that if I had instead chosen a soft answer , our home would be a more peaceful place.  And I can blame no none but myself.  I am an adult.  I am blessed with a fully functioning mind and body.  There is no excuse for my temper tantrums.  No matter how annoying the interruptions of my children, no matter how defiant their behavior or inconvenient their request, they are children and I am an adult.  It is my job to role model good behaviors for them.  No matter how frustrating it is to repeat myself, or pick up the lost item that is in plain view, or listen to something that makes no sense to me, I have no excuse to be anything less than kind to my spouse.  He has tenderly and graciously loved and cared for us for years.  Kindness is the least I should show him.

And so this is my next baby step.  I am going to try to make a concerted, extra, valiant effort to use soft answers when dealing with those nearest and dearest to me.  I saw some fruit of this effort today.  After my daughter comes home from school is always a trying time in our household.  She has homework to do and news to share and requires some undivided attention.  My son does not handle this well and acts worse and worse until I usually blow up and send him to his room.  So today, when I felt the explosion coming, I sat down and gathered him into my lap.  I told his sister to work independently for a few minutes, skipping anything that she needed help with, and rocked and sang to my son.  This was the result:

Homework was finished in peace and quiet.  He felt loved and important.  I stayed calm.  A soft answer turned away my wrath at being interrupted, my daughter's wrath at trying to think while being pestered, and his wrath at not having enough attention.  One battle won.....millions to go.  Please pray for me as I endeavor to make soft answers a habit.

HBON

I am so blessed to be married to a prince of Israel.  He is a man to whom duty is breath, kindness is instinct, and walking rightly is life.  His love and care for me has been exemplary.  The view he gives me of my Savior's love for His bride has been invaluable to my spiritual growth.  His example to and love for our children will allow them to understand their relationship with their Heavenly Father.  He strives to do right, not to please others, but simply because right is right.  Is he perfect?  No.  But my heart longs for him when he is gone and rejoices daily when he returns.  He has made me a better person, wife, mother, and servant.  As I said, I am so blessed to be married to this prince of Israel.

A Song

"Precious Lord, take my hand.  Lead me on.  Help me stand.  I am tired. I am weak. I am worn.  Through the storm, through the night, lead me on to the light.  Take my hand, precious Lord, lead me home."

Correction

Proverbs 23:13-14 KJV  "Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die.  Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shall deliver his soul from hell."

I was reminded of the truth of this verse last night.  One of the little girls who is staying with me while he Mama is in the hospital had a rough day yesterday.   She was whiny, difficult, easily offended, and quick to respond negatively.  I knew that most of this bad attitude was based on the fact that she misses her parents, home, and routine, so I tried to be understanding.  She yelled at some of the other kids, and I took her into another room and spoke with her about better ways to handle frustration.  She struck another little girl, and I put her into the corner and admonished her, severely, about her behavior.  Finally, she just completely lost control and lashed out at her older sister.  So I administered the next level of correction.  And the most amazing thing happened.  The little girl crumpled into my lap, wrapped her arms around me, and sobbed out her loneliness for her parents, her desire for her home and her things, and her honest feeling of being overwhelmed.  After she finished crying, we talked a little more about having a right attitude even when time are hard and I rocked her just a little.  Then she got to face time with her parents, and then it was time for bed.  As I was tucking her in, she said this to me...."Sister Alisa, thanks for thanks for taking care of me when I act bad, even the scolding.  I feel better."

That melted my heart, and I remembered this Proverb.  Children need boundaries and discipline as much as they need love and kindness.  Discipline without love is a disaster, as is love without discipline.  But both together will yield the fruit of peace.  I am thankful for a God who loved little children enough that He left instruction for their parents in His word.  I pray I would follow those instructions more each day as I continue to raise my children and to interact with those the Lord puts under my care for a little while.

Here We Go!

The next few days promise to be interesting .  We will have three precious girls staying with us while their Momma undergoes a major operation and recovery.  I look forward to them being here.  Miss Stubborn is a smart little eight year old who knows what she likes.  Miss Sneaky is a charming six year old who has a contagious smile.  Little Miss is a loving two year old who is ....well..two.  Add them in with my eleven year old Drama Queen, and four year old Tornado, and you have the makings of an exciting adventure for a sometimes cranky Mom.  Y'all remember to pray for HBON this week.  He and Tornado will be over run with females!!

Seriously, please say a prayer for my friend having surgery and for her girls.  They are awful young to be dealing with all the turmoil a major illness can cause to a family.  And if you don't mind, say a little prayer for me, that I will be patient and kind over the next few days that these girls may feel the love of Christ in our home.  Thanks!

A Poem by Edgar A. Guest

The Home Builders

by

Edgar A. Guest

The world is filled with bustle and with selfishness and greed,

It is filled with restless people that are dreaming of a deed.

You can read it in their faces; they are dreaming of the day

when they'll come to fame and fortune and put all their cares away.

And I think as I behold them, though it's far indeed they roam,

They will never find contentment save they seek fir it from home.

I watch them as they hurry through the surging lines of men,

They are weary, sick, and footsore, but their goal seems far away,

And it's little they've accomplished at the ending of the day.

It is rest they're vainly seeking, love and laughter in the gloam,

But they'll never come to claim it, save they claim it hear at home.

For the peace that is the sweetest isn't born of minted gold,

And the joy that lasts the longest and still lingers when we're old

Is no dim and distant pleasure - it is not tomorrow's prize,

It is not the end of toiling, or the rainbow of our sighs.

It is every day within us - all the rest in hippodrome-

And the soul that is the gladdest is the soul that builds at home.

They are fools who build for glory!  They are fools who pin their hopes

On the come and go of battles or some vessel's slender ropes.

They shall sicken and shall wither and shall never peace attain

Who believe that real contentment only men victorious gain.

For the only happy toilers under earth's majestic dome

Are the one who find their glories in the little spot called home.

Now I am off to build my home today.  I think it is a worthwhile endeavor.

Lessons

I know I have been neglecting this blog lately.  I would like to say that this is the beginning of timely posting, but I cannot.  I would like to say that I have so much to share with you that I am excited about posting, but I cannot.  I would like to tell you something remarkably insightful that will make your day better, but I cannot.

I can say that the end of a very busy season should come next week.  I can say that my stress level is decreasing daily.  I can say that the Lord has been gracious to me throughout this hectic, one-project-after-another (more like several-projects-at-the-same-time after another) period of my life.  I can say that I have learned some of my limits over the past few months.

 Some of those lessons have been freeing....like learning my limit on trying to please everyone.  It finally became absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to please everybody, so I quit trying, and oh! I felt better.  Some of those lessons have been humbling....like learning I have a limit on well-doing, which according to scripture we should not weary of.  (Galatians 6:9)  Trying to balance these two lessons has been good for me, and, I hope, has caused me to grow.  Learning the difference between pleasing everybody and well doing is a valuable lesson for women in particular.  We generally are the nurturers, the care givers, the fixers; and in that role, can easily become overwhelmed.  But if we can stop trying to please people, and focus on pleasing God, life becomes much more simple.

 Well doing is performing those things that will please our heavenly Father.  He cares whether or not we help the brethren, pray to Him, and study His word.  He doesn't care if we attend every social function, have the best dressed family, or are first in line to volunteer for every opportunity that comes our way.  He cares if we love our husbands and our children, but He does not care if we fix a gourmet dinner every night, or if we have the smartest kids in the class.  He cares if we attend His worship service and do not forsake the assembly of ourselves together, but He does not care if the food we bring for lunch is pizza from the gas station, or if our makeup is perfect when we get there.

Pleasing God instead of man is a important key to calmness in the midst of chaos.  I have found  that if I am working to please God, then most of the people I care about are also pleased.  And those that are not, are presented with the opportunity to practice forgiveness.  There is a lot that I cannot say and do, but there is much I can.......and that is where my focus must lie.  My daddy once told me "Do what is right, and let everything else just fall where it may."  That was wise council then, and it still is today.  I pray that you and I will have the strength to do right today.

Tribulation...aka Stress

Accomplishing something great involves tribulation...otherwise the accomplishment would not be great.  Therefore, tribulation is a indication of good things to come. The trick is to remember this fact.

A Happy Ending...or Beginning

We have decided to send Hannah to public school this year.  When we began homeschooling, my husband and I both felt that she would return to our little public school some day.  I thought it would be in the 9th grade, but it turns out she is returning in the 6th grade.  We home schooled her for three years, and I can honestly say it was the absolute hardest and most rewarding task I have ever accomplished.

For Hannah to reenter the public school system, she needed to take a test to determine her grade placement.  When I learned this fact, I immediately became nervous.  As a home school family, being judged by others becomes a way of life and you develop a thick skin.  When your children are in the store with you Christmas shopping during "school hours", or you take a week off in the middle of February because you can, or you schedule appointments anytime of the day because you have a flexible schedule, you inevitably get the question, "Are you out of school today?"

"No, we home school."

Sometimes the response to this statement is positive, but more often, in my experience, the response has been puzzlement or outright disdain.  So you try to learn to let the comments bounce off of you, you try to turn the other cheek, and you really try to not rip the condescending expression off of other's people face.  You develop a thick skin, or at least a thicker skin.

But this testing felt different to me.  It felt like I was going to be graded.  Though Hannah was the one being tested, I knew I would receive from the employees of the school the blame for failure or the credit for success.  And I was nervous.  I tried to have her tested at the end of our school year last year when everything was fresh in her mind.  No go.  She had to be tested in August before school started, specifically yesterday, and I was a bundle of nerves.

We have had a busy summer and have done almost no school work, she had a sleepover the night before and was tired, and she was nervous about the test because she wanted to be in the same class as her friends from the community and probably because she could sense my nerves.  I told her I knew she would do great, and that all would be well, but I was reassuring myself as much as I was her, and I am sure she knew this.  Long story short, she passed with beautifully flying colors.  In math she was at a grade equivalent level of 8.5 and in reading a grade equivalent level of 8.4.  The test administrator told me that they were excited Hannah was coming back, and that I had done an excellent job.  

That felt superb.  

To have validation from a source of skepticism (the school, not the test administrator) was such a blessing.  Hannah and I both felt triumphant.  Not only had we succeeded in the last three years, we had thrived.  I had not failed her.  All of her hard work was worth something.  Home schooling was an absolute success.  And while I can't say I won't miss it (every curriculum catalog I get in the mail twists my heart), I am excited to start on our new adventure in education.  It will be different.  It will be hard.  But with God's grace, it will be well.

Busy Bloggers

I have noticed I am not the only blogger having a hard time making a post of any significance.  Several of us are busy caring for our friends and family, enjoying summer activities, going to church meetings, and planning weddings.  Good for us!!!  It is right that our actual lives interfere with our blogging lives, and not the other way around.  So for the 8.23 of you who read this poor, little blog, I am sorry, but you will have to continue to wait.  Life is too busy right now for my online meanderings to take precedence.  But never fear, school will start, routines will resume, and blogging will flourish again!! ;)

What I Want

There is a couple that I know who celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary this week.  They have raised six children, and by the grace of God, all of them are members of the church and productive citizens.  She is a wonderful, loving friend and mother .  He has spent more than 30 years as a minister of the gospel, wearing himself out in the Lord's service while maintaining a significant role in his family as leader and father.  What I love about this couple is how in love they still are after all of that living.  So many couples get wrapped up in raising children, that when the children leave they barely know each other.  So many couples get wrapped up in the business of life that they forget how to connect with their spouse.  But this couple have done it right.  When I celebrate my 40th year of marriage, I want to be that in love with my husband.  I really do.  I must get these friends to tell me all of their secrets.  They have this marriage thing figured out.  Maybe I can learn from their wisdom.

FYI

Blog posting will be sporadic, at best, for the next four weeks as I help one of the sweetest ladies I know plan and execute her wedding.  She held my wedding train in my wedding, and I am coordinating hers....that makes me feel old!  I'll post if and when I get the chance, but most of my spare time will be involved in wedding prep.  Thanks for understanding!

Three Tests

Proverbs 14:12....."There is a way that seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death."

So how do we know when something that seems right is right?  How do we know what seems right is the leadership of the Spirit and not our natural reasoning leading us into a way of destruction?  There are three tests that can help us answer those questions.

Test One - Is the way I want to go contrary to scripture?  The Holy Spirit will never contradict the word of God.  We may try to wrest the scripture around to give us the answer we want, but if instead we will honestly read the Bible and heed it's teachings, it will help us interpret our "feelings" as to the way we should go.  The Bible should interpret our lives...not vice versa.  If I have to reason away scripture to pursue my chosen plan, I am probably on a way of death.  If scripture supports and encourages my actions, I am probably following the Spirit.  

But sometimes scripture is silent on a specific topic.  Sometimes there is no definite right or wrong.  How do we know what to do then?

Test Two - Does it offend my brother?  Sometimes we don't need to do something for the simple reason that it harms our brethren, it is a stumbling block to them....it makes their Christian walk harder.  In the fourteenth chapter of Romans, Paul gives us this lesson.  To summarize, some of the early Christians thought eating meat was sinful.  Paul, acknowledging that a person's diet has nothing to do with their devotion to God, advises the meat eating brethren to abstain from partaking of meat in front of their weaker brethren.  He does not tell the weak brethren to just get over it.  He tells the meat eaters to stop and to instead pursue 'the things which make for peace, and things wherewith one may edify another."  So if scripture is silent on a matter, and our brother is offended by our actions, to continue to pursue those actions could be a way of death.,,,death to fellowship and to peace. Ceasing from offensive behavior will yield blessings.  Scripture is filled with praise for peacemakers.  The world is full of problems that could be avoided if we better applied this test in our decisions.  I want to be a pursuer of peace.  I would love to be known for that.  That is a New Year's Resolution worth striving toward!
  

So if scripture is silent on a matter, and my brother is not offended by my actions, then I am good to go...right?  I think there is still one more test to pass before I say my choice is safe.

Test Three - What is the still, small voice saying?  The world has many names for this still, small voice; intuition, gut feeling, inner voice.  For the child of God, I believe the quiet voice inside yourself, guiding you toward right and away from wrong, is the Holy Spirit placed within you at regeneration.  But often, we are too busy to listen to this voice.  So before any big decision is made, I think it is of the utmost importance to STOP moving, talking, and doing; and to just BE STILL and LISTEN.  Don't try to justify or support the way you want to go.  Just be quiet, and honestly check to see if something inside of you is saying "no."  If the still, small voice says no, then wait.  Maybe later it will say yes, or maybe it won't, but to take off willfully ignoring that voice is dangerous.  

The trick is to know if fear is saying "no", or if the Spirit is saying "no."  That is why it is important to spend time every day trying to find that quiet voice within yourself.  Then you will recognize that voice when you need guidance.  It just "sounds" different than fear.

So there they are.  Three tests to help determine if the way that seems right is right.  I am sure others have different ways, better ways, and I would be thrilled to hear what they are.  

THOUGHT LIST

I have too many thoughts floating through my brain to latch onto one and make a post.  So I will list the thoughts and perhaps that will calm my brain.

1.  The Bible is a timeless book.  The practices and doctrines taught therein will work today if we follow after them.  Satan tries to convince us that we are so enlightened now, we should interpret scripture by society's standards.  Instead we should judge society's standards by scripture.  'Let God be true and every man a liar."

2.  While judging our culture and our environment is healthy, judging individuals is dangerous.  The church as a body must exercise judgement in dealing with members and candidates for baptism, we as individual should not judge each other.  If we compare ourselves to other people, we will have a skewed view.  We have a full time job judging ourselves against the perfect example Christ and trying to walk in a way that is more Christ like.  We should be too busy for mote-picking.

3.  We have mice in our house and they are driving me crazy.  This week we are hunting mice.  BEWARE!!

4.  We have two get togethers we are supposed to go to today...both scheduled at noon.  Bah!  Humbug!!

5.  I love the man I am married too.  He calms me....usually!

6.  Raising kids is hard work.  Sometimes I just want to quit.  I won't.  I love them too much.

7.  Hormones are evil.  I have hated my hormones for years....my daughter's hormones are not a welcome addition to our family.

8.  Teaching discernment is extremely difficult.  Where is the line between being helpful and overstepping your role?  When is it time for a word fitly spoken and when should you mind your own business?  When should you go ahead with a project and when should you stop and wait for leadership from God?  Exercising discernment is hard... but teaching it...ugh!!

9.  I am ready to go to the lake next week...more than ready.

10.  As negative as this list may seem, I am not in a bad mood.  I just have a lot on my mind.

Sorry for such a random post.  Maybe I can get more focused later in the week.

The Right Way

Recently, I have had cause to reevaluate my life as a homemaker.  We have decided to send Hannah to public school next year, and thought we would be sending Daniel to pre-K.  (That has not worked out.)  So I thought perhaps this would be a good time for me to go back to school and earn my teaching degree.  I looked into colleges, course loads, costs.  I looked into job possibilities at our school that might come open in the next few years.  I made lists, researched, talked it over for hours with HBON.  And the more I thought about going back to school, the more steps I took in that direction, the bigger the sick feeling in my stomach grew.  Finally, I stopped to evaluate why I had such a bad feeling about going back to school.

I LOVED college.  The course work is fascinating.  I was the type of student who got excited every time I was assigned a paper to write.  The more my brain was challenged  the more fun I had.  So the idea of the classes I would have to take and the homework I would have to do if I went back to school excited me.  It was not the cause of my sick feeling.

The logistics of going back to school was looking to be something of a headache.  Applications for admissions, scholarships, and financial aid.... transferring of credits...taking the ACT again......headaches.  But I knew, just like any other new endeavor  getting started would be work, but once I was on the path most of that would fall into place if I just kept doing whatever was next.  So while I was not looking forward to the process, I wasn't anxious about it either.  Logistics was not the cause of my sick feeling.

Then I started thinking about the changes that would happen in my home.  What if the children were sick and I had a test that day?  What if my elderly mother-in-law experienced health problems?  What about all of the things the church depends on me to take care of?  What about all of the little things I do all day because I stay home that I would have to give up if I went to school?  I imagined my household during finals week, during the fall meeting season when school is in session, during the six months I would have to take an 8:00am class.  And the sick feeling in my stomach BLOSSOMED!!!

I thought perhaps I was scared of the change, but that didn't feel right.  I thought I was being lazy...worried about the extra work load...but that didn't feel right either.  So I prayed to understand why I was so bothered by these things, and almost immediately the scripture flooded my mind from Proverbs 14:12....."There is a way that seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death."
WHAT??  Why is that the answer to my dilemma   What does that have to do with my going to school?  Everything.

The age difference between HBON and myself seems to suggest I will have to work somewhere for about 10 years to be provided for in my old age.  If my children are going to be in public school, I want to be as involved with the school as I can be.   Paying for school will only become more difficult the longer I wait.  It is logical to my natural brain for me to go back to school....but apparently, my spiritual brain says no....at least for now.  Something is telling me I am to stay home. There is not a good reason, at least to a natural way of thinking, for me to stay home, yet I have an impression to do just that. The main reason I decided to quit college and stay home when I go married is because the Bible says older women are to teach younger women to be keepers AT home.  I believe that this means my primary focus, effort, and energy is to be spent on my household, at my house.  I believe the Bible teaches that as the primary job of a married woman, yet when I look at the future it seems as if a teaching career would serve my family well.  I would be involved with my children's education and would know their peer groups.  The money would be a blessing, allowing us to do many things we want to while the children are home, and ensuring my husband's retirement at age 62.  So what is the answer?

"There is a way that seemeth right unto man, but the ends therof are the ways of death."  If I believe the Bible, and I do, then I believe the Spirit leads God's children.  I believe God speaks to us through the Bible.  I believe we will experience blessings when we follow His ways, and trouble when we don't.  And I believe we should walk by faith.  So even though it makes no earthly sense for me to stay home right now, that is exactly what I am doing.  I don't know how I will be provided for in my old age, but I believe somehow I will be.  I don't know how I will be able to be involved in my children's education, but I believe a way will present itself.  I don't know how we will pay for me to go back to school if that becomes necessary, but I believe that if that is the Lord's will, the money will be there one way or another.  I don't know what I may do in the future...if I will continue to stay home or if one day I will go to work.  But I know that for now it is best for me and my family that I stay home.  I know in my heart of hearts that is where God wants me, and THAT  is exciting.  I have never been so excited to be a homemaker! Sometimes walking by faith is scary, but this time I feel like I want to take a flying leap!  I can't wait to see what God will provide!

Good Morning!

It is 5:10.  I am up.  My whole body is protesting, but I am out of bed.  I'm off to make HBON's breakfast and lunch.  More later.

She's back...and just in time!

It has been a LONG time since I have posted.  I have felt bad for leaving "Some Don'ts of Fighting" up for so long.  I hope you all haven't thought I have been fussing with HBON all this time!  I was SICK, and busy, and overwhelmed with decisions to make, people to take care of outside of my family, and the end of school.  And I just decided to take a break from everything I possibly could so that I could have the time, focus and energy to take care of all the rest.

I have fallen off the wagon when it comes to waking up early.  I got bronchitis and slept every chance I had.  Then when I finally was over that, I was back into a bad habit.  This week, I am planning on getting back in the groove, and I am soooooo excited.  I am tired of feeling so rushed, of not having time with HBON in the morning, and of spouting my prayers as quickly as possible to "get them out of the way."  What a horrible attitude!!  I can't wait to renew my morning routine!  Why don't you join me?  In the morning, I will check in when I wake up and all of you can comment that you too are awake and ready to serve the Lord.

Besides wanting to renew my morning routine, I desperately need to.  This is my last free weekend until August.  Weddings, church meetings, and a quick trip to Branson will eat up my weekends for the next two months.  Ball games will take up 2 or 3 evenings a week.  That means the mowing, gardening, and other household activities usually looked after by HBON will fall, in large part, on my shoulders. Which is fine.  That is why I am a stay at home wife and mother.  It is my job and my privilege.   But I will have to work diligently,  wake up early, and strive for peace over the next two months.  So pray for me to be able to do that, if you don't mind.  Especially the last part.  Being calm in the midst of chaos is extremely difficult, but so helpful to my family.  Usually we depend on HBON for that...he is our anchor.  But I want to be part of the calm, instead of a contributor to chaos.  Have a great night!

Some Don'ts of Fighting

As stated in the previous post, due to our sinful nature, two people who spend a lot of time together will eventually disagree.  How we handle that moment is of utmost importance to our marriage, our children, our friends, and our churches.  A marriage where hateful words and actions are an everyday occurrence is in danger of divorce.  Children's perception of love is shaped, to a large degree, by what they see in their parent's relationship.  A child who witnesses her parents constantly fighting will assume that is right and normal for their marriage.  This thought is scary.  Is the relationship my children see between HBON and myself something I would want them to experience in their lives?  Friends feel compelled to take sides when a couple is fighting and that expands the conflict to others.  Churches made up of fussing families have trouble focusing on God and His goodness instead of how everyone is reacting to each other today.  So contention is something that effects more than the two people involved.  Therefore, we must strive to limit its occurrence and learn to fight in a way that will cause as little harm as possible.

There should be some hard and fast rules when it comes to fussing and feuding.  These are easy to say and hard to do, especially in the heat of the moment. Most endeavors that are worth pursuing fall into this category.

          Never fight in front of the children.  Children should see their parents as an indivisible team.  Discipline is easier.  Children feel safe and secure.  They expect relationships to be about love instead of anger.  They know their parents love each other and them.  Unfortunately, we parents goof up and break this rule.  When we do, it is important to reestablish the sense of security for our children.  It is important for them to see that their parents still love each other and are ashamed that the children saw the fight.  Teaching children by example about forgiveness and love, is one of the most important jobs we have as parents.  Hopefully, we can teach them this without them seeing us fight with each other, but if we slip and fight in front of them, we should MAKE SURE they understand the best part of fighting is making up.

          Never say or do anything to demean your spouse.  Fighting over a point of contention should not turn into a personal attack.  In the heat of the moment, we are likely to say things for the sole purpose of wounding someone who has wounded us.  This should be avoided at all costs.  Our spouse might doubt are reasoning ability, logic, or even our sanity, but he should never, EVER, doubt our love.  When we act in a way that communicates "I don't love you"  instead of "I an mad at you" we have crossed a line.  If we cross that line too many times, our spouse will start believing our actions.  Especially for women, there are no words in the English language to communicate love if they are not followed by action.  And ladies, if you want your husbands to act like men, their manhood must never be questioned or undermined in the heat of anger.  That sort of blow will be extremely difficult, if not impossible, to repair.  And physical attacks are to never be tolerated.

        Never fight as a team.  Fusses between spouses should stay between spouses.  I am not saying that you can't talk with friends to get advice and counsel or to vent a little in order to maintain a level of decorum.  But  you cannot talk to friends in order to influence the fuss one way or the other.  You cannot talk to friends to get them on your side.  In fact, a true friend, on hearing the opposing positions, might very well tell you that you are wrong and your spouse is right.  If you are not willing to hear that from the person to whom you are speaking, just keep your mouth closed.  Your friend should never doubt your love and respect for your spouse during the conversation.  If your goal is to malign your husband, it would be best to not say anything.  The conversation should be about your state of mind and your struggle, not his.  And the conversation with the friend should NEVER occur on social media.  There is absolutely, positively NO REASON AN ARGUMENT SHOULD EVER MAKE AN APPEARANCE ON FACEBOOK.  Face to face is best for these sorts of conversations. Over the phone can be a substitute if necessary.  But remember, a peaceful conclusion must be reached by you and your spouse, alone.  If a conversation with a friend would impede the progress of resolving the disagreement, just stay quiet.

        Pride must be mortified.  All arguments are based on pride.  I think I am right.  He thinks he is right.  We are sure of our rightness.  So we fuss.  The fuss will never be resolved if we do not admit we could be wrong.  Sometimes I am wrong.  Sometimes he is wrong.  Sometimes it takes a fuss to figure out which one of us is wrong.  But if we are not willing to swallow our pride and admit we are wrong, the fuss will just keep going.  The longer it lasts, the more likely we are to break one of these rules and cause lasting damage.  And I guess that is the real 'don't' of fighting......

      Don't cause lasting damage.  In most cases, being right is not worth causing lasting damage.  Winning an argument is not worth hurting our spouse, our children, our fiends, our churches.  It's just not worth it.  It just isn't.

Contending Against Contention

KJV 

Proverbs 21:19 "It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and angry woman."

           Proverbs 21:9 "It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide                                                                           house"

Proverbs 24:24 "It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house.'

If two sinners spend much time in each others proximity, they will eventually disagree.  Husbands and wives have ample opportunity to experience this unfortunate fact of life.  How we express that disagreement will affect how we feel toward each other and ourselves.  It will affect the mood of our home, and the relationships of those who are our closest friends.  The children will react to our actions and will imitate what they see.  So how we disagree is important.

Recently, HBON and I have been having a fuss.  Discretion insists that I not go into details on the World Wide Web, but suffice it to say that we have opposing views concerning a pretty significant topic.  And that is unusual for us.  In 15 years of marriage, I do not believe we have ever disagreed over something significant.  I remember a fuss we had in Dallas while in the midst of heavy traffic, difficulties agreeing over which sofa to buy, growing pains as we learned what offended our new spouse...but never a disagreement over something significant.  I attribute this blessing primarily to HBON.  He is a patient and kind man, and while he sometimes drags he feet in making decisions, he usually is right on target when he does make them.  But right now, we are struggling.

We've been kicking this topic around for about five months, and doing so fairly amicably.  He states his view and we discuss it pros and cons.  I state my view, and we discuss that.  All this discussion taking place with mature, quiet voices.  But a few days ago something changed.  He brought a friend over to me and asked him to tell me some facts that pertained to this topic.  And I got mad.  I felt like I had been set up.  The whole time this friend is telling me his story, I get angrier.  I maintain my composure until we get in the car to go home, with, unfortunately, my children in the back seat.  At this point I should keep my mouth shut and wait until we are alone to calmly discuss how I am feeling.  I SHOULD do that.  Instead, I start pushing.    I push on the way home, and while we get ready for bed.  I ask him why he set me up, and he said that was not his intention.  Disbelieving, I continue to push until his amazingly, long fuse has burned itself out and he gets aggravated with me. I tell him to make his decision and that is what we will do.  And then I shut up.

Now, ladies, we all know that shut up is the proper term for what I have done...not close my mouth, or be quiet....shut up.  I quit talking about that topic and most others.  I am dutifully affectionate.  I care for my children, do my chores, attend to our needs, but the whole time I keep myself closed off emotionally from my husband.  And I feel so justified in doing so.   I am submitting to my husband.  I am fulfilling my duty. I am keeping my mouth shut, refusing to discuss the topic anymore. I am NOT being a contentious woman.

The days roll on, and I am not sleeping well.  My son starts acting out in ways he hasn't in weeks.  My daughter gets sassy.  My patience is thin, and inside of my heart there is a seed of resentment that is blooming into a plant.  I want him to come ask me about the problem; to approach me so I can tell him how hurt I am by his bringing someone else into the discussion on his side.  But I am unapproachable.  I keep on....and on...and on...until finally I find myself leaving rooms he is entering so I don't have to try to pretend nothing is wrong.  And I realize I am miserable   So the next time we are alone I say we have to talk, and I explode.  All of the hurt and frustration and anger come bursting out, and I say things in a way I should not.  I realize I am out of control...apologize for that...and ask him to say something.  He tells me he had not intended to set me up, but just thought to give me the information first hand instead of second hand.

And here we are at the turning point.  He hadn't meant to set me up.  I was faced with a choice.  I could continue to be mad and hurt and not believe him.  Or I could choose to believe him.  

I have been married to this man for over fifteen years.  He has loved me, provided for me, been faithful and kind to me for fifteen years.  I could choose to believe he had somehow morphed into a manipulative person, or I could believe he had made a mistake. I was faced with this choice the first night, if you remember, and I chose not to believe. I was contentious. 

But this time, I trusted that he would not lie to me. And I believed him. And the world righted itself.

We still have not come to complete agreement about the topic, but we are discussing it....calmly, rationally, lovingly.  I am not mad or shutting myself off from him.  The children are calmer and more obedient because they know we are a team again.  I have been sleeping better.  Our home is a happy and relaxing place for our family.  Choosing rational, adult conversation; choosing to believe and trust the man I have loved for years and who has loved me; choosing a discussion over an argument or the silent treatment; choosing to walk according to scripture instead of my own pride; has paid off....again.

I have more to post on this subject, but this is lengthy enough for now.  So we will say.....to be continued.

Disclaimer.....this post has been HBON approved.

Go Read This...It Is Worth Your Time

http://bekahsacran.blogspot.com/2013/02/13-versus-31.html

Didn't I Say Baby Steps?

I have realized the scripture I have been focusing on the last few weeks is not a baby step scripture.  KJV Proverbs 31:27 "She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness."  This is more the ultimate goal, isn't it?  If I wake up early so that I can get my day, my husband's day, and my children's day off to a good start; that is looking well to the ways of my household and eating not the bread of idleness.  Waking up is a baby step that contributes to the end goal.  I can wake up.  I can take that small step every day.  Trying to never eat the bread of idleness is overwhelming.  I've been choking on the elephant....so to speak.

So my ultimate goal is to not be idle, to pay attention to the people in my home - to their hearts, their habits, their paths- to serve God by being a servant to the people in my life.  Now that my goal is clearly defined, I hope to get back to baby steps, small accomplishments, and slow but steady progress.

Community Brainstorming Session

I realized today that in trying to not be idle I am looking well to my housework, but maybe not to the ways of my household.  The dishes, laundry, clutter, and dust bunnies are not my household...they are my housework.  So what are the ways of a household?  I have some ideas, but I would really like to know your's. Please comment below and let's find out together what things I should be tending and what things might get in the way.

When I Grow Up

You know how children want to be adults.  They strive to be older, we strive to keep them young.  They want to be a grown-up.  We tell them to enjoy childhood because it is gone before you know it.  You understand this cycle.  Well, I feel like I'm having a child-like moment.  I just want to be all grown up.

This not being idle business is kicking my tail.  I'll do good for a morning, and bad in the afternoon.  I'll have a good day followed by a bad one.  It is two steps forward  and three steps back,  and I just want to be on the other side.  Making myself wake up at 5:00 am was a walk in the park compared to not overly indulging in idleness.  I only had to make the decision to wake up once a day, but staying busy is a choice I am faced with over and over again.  I want it to be a habit to be busy, instead of a chore.  I just want it to be what I do without thinking about it.  I want this lesson to be learned.

I have an aunt by marriage that is the most amazing woman I know.  I really do not think this is an exaggeration.  She is kind, humble, hardworking, loving, well-read, talented, thrifty, and charitable.  She loves her husband in a way that steals my breath and brings tears to my eyes when I catch a glimpse. The bread of idleness is just not in her pantry. Her children, all 4, rise up and call her blessed.  Her grandchildren....all 22....rise up and call her blessed.  Her great-grandchildren...22 with two on the way...rise up and call her blessed once they are old enough to recognize who and what she is.  In short, she is my hero and inspiration, and if she knew I was publicly saying these things about her, I would be in trouble.  I want to be Auntie when I grow up, and I want to be grown up now.

But Auntie didn't start out being the woman she is now.  She was a young newly-wed once upon a time, learning what it was to be a good wife.  She had to learn how to deal with difficult children and busy schedules without a full night's sleep.    She had to fight weariness, sadness, frustration, and pain just like I do.  She had to learn to deal with disappointment in herself and with others.  She wasn't born wise.  But she served God all of her life.  She went through the fires of life, trusting God  for strength, striving to serve Him. Now, she is as refined gold.

So when I chafe because I don't want to be "little" anymore, because I want to be "all grown up", I should remember that the fire refines the gold.  Without one there cannot be the other.  I won't have the wisdom of a lifetime until I have lived a lifetime.  So I should listen to one who has lived the life I am now living, and I should heed my Aunt's advice when she tells me, "Treasure these days, they are gone too quickly."  While it feels like this stage of life will last forever, just like my childhood, it will fly by and there will be no going back.  While it feels like I will never get this lesson pounded into my stubborn and thick head, I must take a deep breath, trust God to give me strength, and try again.  If I do that for many, many years, one day my children might rise up and call me blessed.

My hero and her fella!

KJV Proverbs 31:30  "Favor is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised."

Idleness is Sneaky

Friday afternoon, my house looked great, one child was playing happily, the other was at a friend's house, I was making supper, and my husband was working on a project.  "We are really humming along," I thought to myself.  "This not eating idleness is really paying off."  And it was.  I had a great week and everything just flowed better.  My breaks were ten minutes instead of sixty, which meant I got more work done and had more time to play with the children.  I was more patient, they were better behaved, and HBON noticed the house was more orderly.  It was working.

Then after supper Friday night, when my husband went to ball practice to pick up my daughter, I decided to be lazy "just for a while".  A friend came home with my daughter to spend the night, so instead of cleaning up supper, I visited with the girls and then went to bed.  Saturday morning I woke up, loaded most of the supper dishes into the dishwasher, made breakfast, got the laundry started, and then we all went down to clean the church.  Then we went to a ball game, and then a baby shower.  When I got home, I decided to rest and watch a ball game with my husband.  Then he talked me into ordering a pizza and we watched a movie as a family.  Then we went to bed.  Sunday morning we woke up and rushed around and left for church at 8:15 am and arrived home at 4:00 pm.  I laid down to rest and read.  Then we watched the Super Bowl.  Then we went to bed.

Now it is Monday morning, and as I survey the pile of dirty dishes....Saturday morning's breakfast dishes through Sunday nights supper dishes....and I look at the toys scattered everywhere, and the laundry that is not folded, and floor that was not swept...and as I feel the tension all of this causes settle into my shoulders, I am realizing the cost of idleness.   But what gets me the most is I did not see myself as idling at the time.  Resting...spending time with my family....taking a break....having fun.....but not being idle. Idleness can sneak up on us so quickly and quietly and rob us of our peace. Thirty minutes Friday night, one hour Saturday afternoon, 45 minutes Sunday afternoon...that is all it would have taken.  I would still have had plenty of time with my family.  Instead, I idly lazed around and now I must spend the day squeezing some pretty hefty cleaning into a school day.

Idleness is sneaky.  Friday afternoon I thought I had it all under control.  Monday morning, I know better.  I should remember that pride goeth before a fall.  I should remember that he that thinketh he standeth should take heed lest he fall. I should remember that idleness is a tool of Satan and is therefore subtle. Most of all, I should remember though I slip and fall and fail, that God never does, and He loves me and is for me.  Remembering this makes trying again easier and even a little exciting.  I have a chance today to serve God.  That is a pretty wonderful to do list.

Be A Tortoise

We are all familiar with Aesop's fable involving the hare and the tortoise and their race.  The hare dashed out with all speed, gained a huge lead, and then laid down on the side of the road for a nap.  The tortoise plodded along at his slow, steady pace..never stopping until he had finished in first place.  The moral of the story is slow and steady wins the race.

Too often I am like the hare when approaching my daily tasks.  I get up, full of energy, and work like a mini hurricane for a few hours.  And then I stop.  I sit down to read a chapter, or check out one thing on the computer, or to just rest a few minutes.  I am usually worn out, a little stressed, and the feeling of being overwhelmed is lurking somewhere nearby.  The short break I was going to take turns into a hour and a half of wasted time.  So I jump back up and run around some more working fast and furiously.  I get tired.  I stop to rest and the next thing I know it is time to make supper.  I fly around the kitchen, throwing supper together, get everyone fed  and I stop.  So when I go to bed at night, the kitchen is dirty, the house has toys and the rest of the evening's activities strewn around, and I go to bed feeling like I worked all day to accomplish nothing.  I am a hare.

Instead, I should be a tortoise   I should work at a slow, steady pace on each task and should not stop until that task is finished.  I should not burn up my energies in a bright flash of productivity, but I should run at a slow burn that will last all day long.

I have a cousin in law whose great grandfather lived to be 114.  He was born in the late 1700's and died in the early 1900's.  He quit farming in his early hundreds even though he could still out work some of the field hands.  When asked the secret to long life he said, "Just take half a shovel at a time."  By that he meant that you don't lift as much or run as fast as you can, but that you lift a reasonable amount at a reasonable pace and your body is not broken down by over exertion.  Half a shovel full, all day long, will accomplish more than a whole shovel for a few hours with a long break in between.

It is like the man who lived in the city and was in a hurry to get to church.  He was running behind, and he pulled up behind an older brother from the church who was known for his slow pace on the highway.  Our harried brother whips into the other lane and passes our slow brother, only to be stopped at the traffic light.  The two are side by side, waiting for the light to change, and they wave at each other.  The light turns and our speedy brother stomps on the gas and flies up to the next red light.  The slow brother eases up beside him and smiles and waves.  The light turns and speedy races off again, and is stopped again by a light.  And the slow brother eases up again, and waves and smiles again.  This continues all the way through town until they arrive at the church one after the other.  They arrive at the same place, about the same time, but consider their journeys.  One was filled with stress, frustration, and exasperation  the other with relaxation  ease, and probably some amusement.

Slow and steady wins the race.  I want to be a tortoise   Hebrews 12:1 admonishes us to run with patience the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus.  With patience.  Slow and steady.  Not idle, but steady.  Be a tortoise.

image from wikipedia

Clarification

My last post about idleness has received no comments on this blog and only one private comment sent to other places.  However, this private comment, which I GREATLY appreciated, made it clear to me that I was unclear in my previous post.  I particularly think the following paragraph needs a further explanation.

So the Proverb is saying the virtuous woman does not indulge in, dream of,  focus on, center her thoughts and time around... idleness.  She doesn't work so that she can be done and read a book.  She doesn't have daydreams of soaking up some rays and sipping a cool drink.  Her money and efforts are not geared toward entertainment.  Instead, she looketh well to the ways of her household.  Her efforts, thoughts, attention, goals, and focus pertain to her household, not herself.


I do not think it is a terrible thing for a woman to take some time to read a book, enjoy a vacation, or get a manicure.  I do not think it is wrong for a woman to spend a night out with her girlfriends, to go on a walk by herself, or take a bubble bath.  All of these things are fine.....IF  they are not the focus of our life;  if we recognize that these blessings are luxuries and not the first things in our lives.  Contrast these two scenarios.

Our first woman does the dishes, laundry, cooks supper, and picks up the same toys every day.  The whole time she is working she is grumbling.  "I"ll never get this laundry done.  I hate cooking everyday.  I just want everyone to leave me alone.  Can't they pick up after themselves? etc"  All she wants to do is get through the mundane stuff so she can get to the best part of living....reading that book, or soaking in that bubble bath.  She tells the kids to get out of her way and go play so she can just get her work done.  When she finally does get to her free time, the children interrupt her and the third time they do, she snaps.  She tells the kids to just get out and leave her alone.


Our second woman also does the dishes, laundry, cooks supper and picks up the same toys every day.  The whole time she is praising God for the ability to be able to care for her family and for the fact she has a family to love.  "So long as there is laundry, we have clothes on our back.  Thank the Lord I have something to feed this crew for supper.  I need to spend a little time with these kids reading a book.  We need to work together as a family to pick up our mess."  All she wants is a happy, peaceful, well run household.  And when she sits down to read her book or take her bubble bath, she has peace and quiet because she has spent time with her children, tending them and her household.  

I have been both of these women.  The actions of washing the dishes, laundry, child care, etc are the same, but the attitude is sooooo different.  The difference is what they consider to be "real" living.  The first woman thinks times of relaxation are what life is all about.  She strives to relax.  The second woman thinks "real" living is finding the joy in everyday tasks.  She is relaxed.  The first woman's thought are centered on herself, the second on her household and her Lord.  The first woman's whole day is filled with vexation, but the second woman's day is filled with joy and peace.

I do believe taking time for yourself is important.  Charging our batteries is necessary to caring for those we love.   Vacations are marvelous opportunities to reconnect with those closest to us without the distractions that clog so many of our lives, and looking forward to that is understandable.  A day at the beauty shop is a blessing to be enjoyed for the sake of making ourselves more attractive to our husbands and releasing some of the tension that builds up in every woman on the face of the planet.  BUT, and here is the crux of this step, the reason for time to ourselves is to better serve our God and those He has blessed us to care for.  If we only find joy in our free time, we will be miserable. When the focus becomes to serve self....THAT is eating the bread of idleness.  When the statements "I deserve this" or "I've earned the right" enter into our heads, we should stop and examine ourselves.  Being idle is doing nothing.  Preparing yourself to serve others is not an exercise in idleness.  Serving yourself is.  

That is what I meant by bread being the sustenance or the thing that energizes us.  What attitude energizes me?  An attitude of service or of selfishness?  Fixing a bad attitude is hard, because we find so many ways to excuse our attitude. So my goal is to spend more time as woman number two, and try to tell woman number one to hit the road.  I hope this is a better explanation of this step. 

The Bread of Idleness

KJV Proverbs 31: 27 "She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness"

When planning this series of baby steps in my mind, I thought I would probably focus on health matters as the second step;  exercising, eating right, not being a glutton.  But the above scripture has invaded my mind, and every time I turn away from it I feel wrong.  And I want to turn away from it.  I don't like this scripture.

That's a pretty terrible thing to say, isn't it?  But it is true.  I don't want to take this baby step.  I like my bread of idleness.  I work all day to achieve a few moments of idleness here and there.  I dream about being idle...doing nothing.  A perfect day would involve me, a good book, the beach, and someone to bring me refreshment whenever I snapped my fingers. Or it would involve my family having a day where all we did was play.  No meal prep, no discipline, no routine   Just doing what we want when we feel like it.  Idleness. Idleness is so....appealing.  So when the scriptures tell me that a virtuous woman does not eat the bread of idleness, I would just as soon skip that part.

But I can't.

If I believe that Proverbs contains infinite wisdom, and I do; if I believe the Bible is the inspired word of God, and I do; if I believe that those who conform their lives to the word of God will live a more blessed and happy life, and I do;  then I can't hide from this scripture.

So baby step number 2 is to not eat the bread of idleness.

This does not mean the virtuous woman is never idle....I think (I hope I am not deceiving myself).  See, in those days, bread was used for sustenance   It did not require meat and cheese to form it into a meal.  The bread of Bible times was hearty, nutritious, and filling.  It was real food.  It sustained life.  To prove this point, consider John 6:48 (KJV) where Christ says "I am that bread of life."  Do you think He was saying "If you take me and add a little of this and a little of that you will have everlasting life"?  Or was He saying "I an the sustenance of everlasting life?"  I believe the latter.

So the Proverb is saying the virtuous woman does not indulge in, dream of,  focus on, center her thoughts and time around... idleness.  She doesn't work so that she can be done and read a book.  She doesn't have daydreams of soaking up some rays and sipping a cool drink.  Her money and efforts are not geared toward entertainment.  Instead, she looketh well to the ways of her household.  Her efforts, thoughts, attention, goals, and focus pertain to her household, not herself.

Isn't that really what idleness is about....self.  I'm too tired.  I deserve this.  I did my time.  All these statements are used to excuse idleness.  I....I....I......


So baby step number 2 is to not eat the bread of idleness, to look well to my household's ways, to keep busy, and to rest only when rest is needed, not so much whenever it is wanted.  And I need you, dear reader, to keep me honest.  If you disagree with what I have written above, please, let me know.  As I continue this series of post, if I seem reluctant to go where I need to, or if I am in flat out denial,  call me out.  My flesh has been fighting this step for days, and I am scared of deceiving myself.  So, please, in all seriousness, help me and pray for me.  This is not going to be easy.  I think I would rather diet, or get a root canal.  Okay, that is probably an exaggeration.  Probably.

The Conclusion of the Matter

I feel like it is time to move on to the next step, but before I do, I want to summarize my experience in taking this step.  First, waking up at 5:00 am every day is tough.  On days my husband has to be out of the door by 5:50 am, it makes sense.  On the days he stays home, it does not.  So we have decided to get up at 6:00 am on the days he is off, and at 5:00 am when he works. This seems to be a more realistic schedule, and we wake up happier all week long.

I LOVE waking up early.  I do not love getting out of my warm bed to step onto a cold floor, having a dream disturbed, or prying my heavy eyelids off of my eyeballs.  But once these steps have been taken, I enjoy the morning.  I enjoy time with my husband before he goes to work, a quiet house in which to read my Bible and pray, a peaceful hour to myself before the wrangling of children begins, and the feeling of starting my day on time.  I feel calmer all day long because I have had time to direct my thoughts above and to recognize that any trials I face today are little compared to the glory of heaven and the majesty of God.  I feel like praying in the morning has made my days smoother.  I don't know if it is because God has smoothed my path or if He has soothed my soul, but either way the days just go better when I stop and pray in the morning.  My family is happier, and so am I.

My previous routine involved sleeping until the children woke me.  I still had to get out of my warm bed.  My dreams were still disturbed upon awaking, and I still had to pry open my eyelids.  I spent no time with my husband before he left for the day. I haphazardly read my Bible between demands from children if I read it at all.  Morning prayers were a quick plea for help and patience.  I struggled to get my mind around everything I had to accomplish that day, and I hit the ground running, but always felt a step or two behind.  I felt stressed, short tempered, and overwhelmed.  I wanted to be left alone for a few days to just charge my batteries, and my emotions were very close to the surface making them harder to control.  I would get angry quickly,  snap, and then be encompassed in a sea of guilt.  I felt like I was failing my family.

When these two routines are contrasted, the choice seems pretty obvious.  You might think that after a few weeks to adjust,  I would just pop out of  bed and hit the ground running.  You might think that the benefits are so abundant that I would eagerly arise to start my day.  But I find that the reality is, every morning, I have to make a decision to not give in to the voices telling me I deserve another hour of sleep.  I have to decide EVERY morning to get up.  I have to decide to sacrifice sloth to gain peace.  I have to choose obedience, trusting blessings will follow.  I have found it to be so, but I still have to remind myself of that fact every time the alarm goes off.  Waking up is not easy, but it is good.  The words of this hymn say it better than I ever could.

Walk With God

from the Harp of Ages

 Darrene Nowlin Collins              Morris Nowlin

"I love the quietness of the morning, the peaceful beauty of the day.  I love to go into my bower and humbly bow my head and pray." 

"Oh what a joy and peace it gives me, to talk to Jesus in a prayer.  It gives me hope and consolation.  It lifts me from my every care."

"Things seem brighter in the morning, as God so boldly shows His face.  It makes me want to shout His praises, and thank Him for amazing grace."

"Oh, may His grace and mercy guide me, that when it's finished I can say, when the evening sun is setting, I have walked with God today."