Recently, I have had cause to reevaluate my life as a homemaker. We have decided to send Hannah to public school next year, and thought we would be sending Daniel to pre-K. (That has not worked out.) So I thought perhaps this would be a good time for me to go back to school and earn my teaching degree. I looked into colleges, course loads, costs. I looked into job possibilities at our school that might come open in the next few years. I made lists, researched, talked it over for hours with HBON. And the more I thought about going back to school, the more steps I took in that direction, the bigger the sick feeling in my stomach grew. Finally, I stopped to evaluate why I had such a bad feeling about going back to school.
I LOVED college. The course work is fascinating. I was the type of student who got excited every time I was assigned a paper to write. The more my brain was challenged the more fun I had. So the idea of the classes I would have to take and the homework I would have to do if I went back to school excited me. It was not the cause of my sick feeling.
The logistics of going back to school was looking to be something of a headache. Applications for admissions, scholarships, and financial aid.... transferring of credits...taking the ACT again......headaches. But I knew, just like any other new endeavor getting started would be work, but once I was on the path most of that would fall into place if I just kept doing whatever was next. So while I was not looking forward to the process, I wasn't anxious about it either. Logistics was not the cause of my sick feeling.
Then I started thinking about the changes that would happen in my home. What if the children were sick and I had a test that day? What if my elderly mother-in-law experienced health problems? What about all of the things the church depends on me to take care of? What about all of the little things I do all day because I stay home that I would have to give up if I went to school? I imagined my household during finals week, during the fall meeting season when school is in session, during the six months I would have to take an 8:00am class. And the sick feeling in my stomach BLOSSOMED!!!
I thought perhaps I was scared of the change, but that didn't feel right. I thought I was being lazy...worried about the extra work load...but that didn't feel right either. So I prayed to understand why I was so bothered by these things, and almost immediately the scripture flooded my mind from Proverbs 14:12....."There is a way that seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death."
WHAT?? Why is that the answer to my dilemma What does that have to do with my going to school? Everything.
The age difference between HBON and myself seems to suggest I will have to work somewhere for about 10 years to be provided for in my old age. If my children are going to be in public school, I want to be as involved with the school as I can be. Paying for school will only become more difficult the longer I wait. It is logical to my natural brain for me to go back to school....but apparently, my spiritual brain says no....at least for now. Something is telling me I am to stay home. There is not a good reason, at least to a natural way of thinking, for me to stay home, yet I have an impression to do just that. The main reason I decided to quit college and stay home when I go married is because the Bible says older women are to teach younger women to be keepers AT home. I believe that this means my primary focus, effort, and energy is to be spent on my household, at my house. I believe the Bible teaches that as the primary job of a married woman, yet when I look at the future it seems as if a teaching career would serve my family well. I would be involved with my children's education and would know their peer groups. The money would be a blessing, allowing us to do many things we want to while the children are home, and ensuring my husband's retirement at age 62. So what is the answer?
"There is a way that seemeth right unto man, but the ends therof are the ways of death." If I believe the Bible, and I do, then I believe the Spirit leads God's children. I believe God speaks to us through the Bible. I believe we will experience blessings when we follow His ways, and trouble when we don't. And I believe we should walk by faith. So even though it makes no earthly sense for me to stay home right now, that is exactly what I am doing. I don't know how I will be provided for in my old age, but I believe somehow I will be. I don't know how I will be able to be involved in my children's education, but I believe a way will present itself. I don't know how we will pay for me to go back to school if that becomes necessary, but I believe that if that is the Lord's will, the money will be there one way or another. I don't know what I may do in the future...if I will continue to stay home or if one day I will go to work. But I know that for now it is best for me and my family that I stay home. I know in my heart of hearts that is where God wants me, and THAT is exciting. I have never been so excited to be a homemaker! Sometimes walking by faith is scary, but this time I feel like I want to take a flying leap! I can't wait to see what God will provide!