The Long View for Marriages

This quote from Ira Glass is what got me thinking about the long view.

I think this one also speaks well to this subject.

“Was it possible to love a man who made you feel ridiculous? Of course [.....], love was complicated, that was all. Or was love simple, and marriage was complicated? In seventeen years of marriage David had often left her feeling frustrated, and furious, and disgusted, yes - but he had also made her feel beautiful, and protected, and loved. And oh, what she would give to feel loved right now.” 
― Laura Brodie, The Widow's Season

If we commit ourselves to marriage as we should, we will have our spouse for a very long time.  Time enough for troubles to become lessons, for fights to become times of forgiveness, and for frustrations to become growing pains.  But we won't have them forever....just until we are parted by death.  So each day's blessings should be treasured, each chance for loving should be taken and given, and each moment of laughter tucked away.  The long view of marriage tells us that our troubles are small and our blessings are precious.  Now, if we can just keep this perspective as we live with our spouses every day.

The Long View

Many of you are probably wondering why I posted my non-fiction children's article yesterday.  Partly I did it to share a piece of myself with all of you, and partly I did it to remind myself about that part of me.  Often, when we are dealing with the day in, day out routine of our lives, our world shrinks.  We can only view our immediate problems or blessings.  We forget that what we are experiencing is only for this moment, and that one day...good or bad....this moment will only be a memory.

Falling into this trap is dangerous.  If we are blessed to be in a good time of our life, and we think it will continue forever, we are likely to not appreciate the blessing we are experiencing.  Worse yet, when the good finally ends and something less enjoyable takes its place, we can become angry and resentful that tribulation has upset our happiness.  On the other hand, if we are enduring a tough season and all we can focus on is our trouble, we lose hope.  We are tempted to give up and the weight we are carrying can crush us.  We can become despondent, feeling that our lives will always be thus, and we can fall.

How much better off would we be to take the long view of things; to recognize that our bad days are numbered and will not last forever. How much better to recognize the gift of each day that is filled with "normal" blessings.  The long view allows us to maintain perspective.

 I loved writing children's stories, and there have been a few days over the past decade of raising small children that I have wondered if I would ever be able to enjoy that particular thrill again.  On those days, I would get out my stories and articles, read through them, and then put them back in the file cabinet telling myself that one day I could tackle that project again.  I do not resent my children or the other children whose noise and busy-ness was too distracting to allow all those stories in my head to order themselves onto paper.  I have loved my time with these little ones, kissing their boo boos, watching their eyes as they catch on to something new, and being there for all of the laughs and the tears.  I have LOVED staying home with my babies.  Next year, when school starts, my house will be empty.  And while that will be a big change, I am not upset about that prospect because it will allow me the quiet I need to write again.  The long view told me I would not have little children forever and so I should take the time to enjoy them as much as possible, leaving other things for other days.  And the long view also tells me that when they leave, I still have plenty in my life to enjoy.

We would all do better to take the long view more often.  I am not saying I always have.  I have fumed at the never ending housework, the seemingly endless days of potty training, and the often repeated lessons that are the daily tasks of raising children.  I have not always stopped to look at the treasure on of my little ones found or to listen to all the details of an elaborate story, because I was too consumed with the next thing on the list.  But when I can stop and realize that the laundry won't last forever - and neither will the treasure hunts - I can better enjoy each moment as it happens.  And I can better embrace each change as it occurs.

Something Fun

Many years ago, before children consumed all of my time and energy, I took a course from the Institute of Children's Literature.  My instructor was Mel Boring, and contrary to his name, he was a wonderful teacher and made this course a ton of fun.  Today, I am going to share an article I wrote while taking this course.  I submitted it to Highlights and received a great rejection.  I had plans to revamp, and resubmit based on feedback that came with the rejection, but then my daughter was born and this fell by the wayside.  I don't regret letting these things slide, but writing for children is something I hope to return to in the near future.  For know, I hope you enjoy this little article, and perhaps learn something along the way.

Inventive Inventions

     Chester Greenwood's ears were more frozen than the ice he was skating on near his home in Farmington, Maine.  One wintry day, in 1873, his ears had had all they could take.  Chester ran home and twisted some wire into two loops.  He asked his grandma to put cloth over them.  Once outside, he tried them on and his ears stayed warm!  That is how earmuffs were invented.

     An invention is something new usually intended to improve life for humanity.  Some inventions, like the airplane, take years of hard work and disappointment before they finally succeed.

     Orville and Wilbur Wright had to do tons of research on birds and flying.  Then they conducted experiments with kites and gliders.  Sometimes their experiments failed, but the Wright Brother's didn't give up.  They learned from their mistakes and kept trying, and on December 17, 1903, their biplane flew in the air for 12 seconds.  A success!

     There are other inventions that are completed almost immediately.  Potato chips are a good example.  In 1853, a chef named George Crum got angry at a customer who said his french fries were too thick and soggy.  So Chef Crum thinly sliced a potato and soaked the slices in ice water.  Then he fired them until they were crisp and brown.  for an extra touch, he poured salt all over them and served them to his customer.

     What a hit!!  Soon, everyone in town was asking for Crum's "Saratoga Chips."  Today the average American eats at least four pounds of chips a year.

     Some inventions are made to make things better, like safety pins.  The sharp tips poked out of old pins and would stab people.  In 1849, Walter Hunt made a pin with a clasp that covered the tip.  He had a deal with a creditor (someone you owe money to) that if Walter could make something useful out of a piece of wire, he would get $400 and his debt would be canceled.  Three hours after he started, Walter Hunt had invented the modern safety pin.

     When an inventor comes up with a new invention, they get a patent on it.  A patent is a paper from the government that makes sure they are the only person who can make, use, and sell their invention for a certain period of time.  However, not all patented inventions are successful.  

     In 1879, a man invented a way for people to escape from a burning building.  A parachute cap was supposed to slow people down after they jumped, and padded shoes would cushion their fall.  People thought the contraption was more likely to kill them than to save them and so it was never a "hot" item in the stores.

     Some inventions have changed the world, like plastic and computers.  Others have only effected certain people like eyeglasses and false teeth.  But all inventions are the product of somebody's imagination.  And all inventors are practical thinkers.  That means they can think through a situation instead of giving up because they don't know the answer.  Inventors can be young or old, rich or poor, black, white or yellow.

     Do you have a good imagination?  Can you think through a problem and find a solution?  Can you learn from mistakes and not give up?  Then maybe you are an inventor.  Go see what you can invent to improve the world.  Who knows, you might be famous one day.

Here's The Catch

In the last three post, I have talked about roles of husbands and wives in a marriage.  I've written about men needing to stand up and sacrifice themselves for their wives.  I've written about the need for women to openly and constantly show admiration and respect for their husbands.  I'v written about the conflict that will arise when these things don't happen.  But here is the catch.  You can't fix your husband or your wife.  You can only work on yourself.

I have seen and talked to many young women whose husbands have not stepped up to the plate.  Invariably, they try to "fix" him.  Sometimes they give him ultimatums.  Sometimes they make massive honey-do lists to spell out exactly how he should sacrifice himself for them.  Sometimes they nag...and nag...and nag....and...well, you get the point.  Sometime they whine and complain to anyone who will listen to them.

I have talked to young men whose wives are not acting as they ought, and they, too, try to "fix" their wives.  They demand respect.  They constantly push her to recognize every little thing that they do.  They punish her....i.e. if she won't (fill in the blank), then I won't do something for her.  They purposefully hurt her emotionally, to "let her see how it feels".

None of these approaches EVER does ANYTHING positive for a relationship.  N-E-V-E-R.

Scripture teaches us that we each must walk our own path in service to God and His people, and that includes husbands and wives.  We can strengthen and encourage each other.  We can cheer each other on and warn of obstacles we see.  We can even help one another keep going when we are tempted to give up.  But I can't make you do right.  And you can't make me.  In fact, if you try, I'll probably get mad.  I might just dig in my heels and refuse to change simply because I am offended.

So what do you do if your spouse is not fulfilling his or her role in your marriage?

Matthew 7 1-5  "Judge not, that ye be not judged.  For with what judgement ye judge, ye shall be judged: and wih what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.  And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?  Or how wilt thou say to thy brother. Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?  Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye."


In other words, you do your job; you take care of your business.  You reverence your husband.  You cherish your wife.  You fill your space.  Don't do it because I said to.  Don't do it to "show up" your spouse.  Don't even do it for yourself.  Do it as unto the Lord.  Sacrifice yourself for your wife because He sacrificed Himself for you.  Show a deep respect for your earthly husband as a show of respect for your spiritual Husband.  "Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me." Matthew 25:40  When you do this, one of two things will happen.  Either, your spouse will start doing a better job of fulfilling his/her role, or you won't mind as much when he/she does not.  And perhaps, in time, wisdom will be gained, and with the mote out of your eye, you will clearly see how to help your spouse and your marriage grow.

Now, Ladies......

Okay ladies.  It is our turn now.  I am going to discuss what it means to be submissive to your husband.  Don't leave yet!!  Just read through the post, consider what I have to say, and then respond in the comments.

I want to look at Ephesians 5 again for this conversation. Verse 22-24..."Wives,submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body.  Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing."

I think we would all agree that scripture obviously tells us that we are to submit to our husband.  If that bothers you, I would ask you to consider the following question.  Is it degrading to be a servant unto the Lord, or is it a privilege?  I think most of us would say that it is one of our chief blessings to serve the Lord.  I think we would all agree that the blessings we receive in His service outweigh the burdens of serving.  So it will be in our marriages if we will submit ourselves to our husbands....in every thing.

.  I do not think your submissiveness gives him the right to treat you in a disrespectful or violent manner. Why not?  Because that is not how the church is told to treat Christ.  In fact, those who Christ gave to be watchmen of his bride are commanded do be gentle with her.  I do not think that being submissive means you sit meekly in his presence, scared to question him or voice an opinion.  We are commanded to communicate daily with Christ through prayer, and so we must communicate daily with our husband.  If we do not communicate our thoughts and feelings to him, we are not fulfilling our role of a help-meet.  He is commanded to dwell with us according to knowledge, which means we must give him the opportunity to know our minds and our hearts.   I do not think being submissive means that you walk three steps behind him, or are somehow put on a different level of worthiness.  We are commanded to draw nigh to our Savior, not stand off from Him.  So what does being submissive mean?  I think the last verse of Ephesians 5 can give us a lot of insight into this most vital of attitudes.

Verse 33 is one of the best examples of a concluding sentence that any writer could hope to study.  He speaks about wives, and then husbands, and then how really he is speaking of Christ and the church.  But he sums up his teaching on marriage relationships with this sentence : "Nevertheless, let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband."  He is restating what he just said in a concise way.  The part regarding husbands is almost word for word a repeat of the last part of verse 28.  So it would follow, tht what he says about wives is also a restating of what he said above.  In other words, submission and reverence seem to be one and the same.

Reverence, as a verb, means "to treat someone or something with deep respect."  DEEP respect.

So what does that mean?  It means that you have so much respect for and admiration of your husbands abilities, that you take every opportunity to hold him up and admire him.  You present him to others in such a way that they too will admire him.   Isn't that the primary function of the church; to admire our Lord's greatness and to hold Him up so that others may see what a great Savior we have?  So, too, is that the primary job of the wife.  Too have such a deep respect and regard for your husband that every action exudes admiration for this man.

Now this is harder for us to do for our husbands than for our Lord beacuse of the simple fact that our husbands are sinners.  They have faults and failings.  And the mothering instict that is so natural to women wants to start pointing out his failings and possible solutions.  We want to treat him as one of the children who need our constant instruction and correction to b taught the way if life.  But that is NOT the right attitude t have toward a husband.  Yes, each man had failures...some more than others...but they all have them.  As wives, it is our job to look over these with charity, to focus on his strengths, and to help him and others do the same.

There is a book entitled For Women Only in which the authors, Shaunti and Jeff Feldham, surveyed and interviewed thousands of men and then put those answers into a format that allows women a glimpse into the male mind.  If you are married and haven't read it, do so.  It will be an eye opening read.  One of the things that surprised me about their findings is what the number one thing men wanted from women.  Some of you might think the answer was sex.  Some of you might think it was love.  Some might think it was a maid or a cook.  But you would all be wrong.  The amazingly vast majority of men said the number one thing they wanted from a woman was respect.
When I read that, I laughed, because my husband is absolutely NOT egotistical, and I could not imagine he would respond that way.  I thought affection would be his answer.  I was wrong.

Males have egos.  It is part of their make-up.  Just because a man is blessed to be able to keep his ego in check doesn't mean that it is no there.  Egos for men are like emotions for women.  We have them, we must learn to keep them under control, but they are part of us.  And, we expect nad need for them to be acknowledged by our beloved.  Ladies, how do you feel when your husband makes fun of your emotions or just tells you to get over something or just flat out ignores them?  Well, that is how your husband will feel if you ignore his ego.  How do you take care of this need?  You reverence your husband, submit to your husband, IN EVERY THING.

It should be our daily focus to find ways to show our husband that we respect him, and to NEVER let others see that we don't.

"But my husband is not like yours.  He does everything wrong."

Really?  Everything?  Are you sure?  He doesn't do one, single thing well?

"Well, he does this, but...."

Stop at the but.  Focus one the one thing.  Show him you appreciate the one thing.  Tell others how wonderful his one thing is.  Respect him for his one thing.  And watch how the Lord will bless.

Reverencing your husband isn't always easy.  Sometimes their behavior makes it hard.  Sometimes, our behavior makes it hard.  Do it anyway.  God said to.  Pray to him for strength and wisdom.  Actively make every effort to show the world that you respect the man you married.  Praise him, promote him, defer to him...and watch him, your love for him, and your marriage flourish.

Man Up, Fellas!

In my last post, I stated that for a marriage to function properly, a man must be the head of the household.  Many of the women who read this post cringed at that statement.  Many of the men pumped their fist in the air.  I am guessing those reactions will reverse with today's post, even though I hope to make the same point.

For many women, being submissive to their husband is an insulting concept.  They consider it demeaning at best, offensive at worst.  Some of these feelings result from a skewed sense of women's rights, but a larger reason for this animosity is that men have not stepped up and fulfilled their role in a godly manner.  I want to discuss what a head of household looks like from the scriptures, and then discuss what women really want.

First, let's look at Ephesians 5 again.  Verse 23 states..."For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body."  And Verse 25....."Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church, and gave himself for it:"

The savior of the body.  Gave himself for it.  Hmmmm, it seems that this head of household involves a lot of self sacrifice.  Christ died for the church,but that is not all He did.   He sacrificed more for her sake.  I think it is the "more" that many men are struggle with.  Often, men are willing to die for their wives, yet very few men will be asked to die for their wives. However, all husbands will be called upon to sacrifice themselves for their wives.  In what ways?

Christ sacrificed His glory for the church.  Scripture says He took the form of a servant and that He prayed to have His glory restored to Him after His death.  He veiled His majesty so that he could come to where she was to provide for her needs.  All she needed, even physically (remember the taxes in the fish's mouth), He gave her. But He loved His bride so much, he also provided for her comforts.  Not her physical comforts, her emotional and spiritual comforts.  The Lord didn't dress the apostles in fine robes, but He did leave them the Comforter.  He left them the church.  He provided a place for their emotional and spiritual growth.

 Husbands, love your wives like that.

 Don't just sacrifice yourself for her needs.    That is good, but it is not all there is.  Sacrifice yourself for her comforts.  Don't consider her work beneath you.  If  the Creator of the universe humbled himself to the point he was laid in a cow's manger at His birth, you can humble yourself to the point of doing laundry, or changing some diapers, or putting up the dishes.  If Christ gave up 33 years in heaven, surly you could give up 33 minutes of your evening to help her.  Give her a chance to study her Bible without the interruption of children by taking them outside for a little while.  Being the head of the house means you have to make tough decisions and be the bad guy sometimes.  It means she will get mad at you and so will the kids.  It means that if something is wrong in your house, it is up to you to fix it.  Not in a harsh, authoritarian, violent, yelling manner.  But in a self sacrificing, humble, loving way.  You be the bad guy so that your wife will not have to be.  You make the tough choices, so that she does not have to.   Relieve her of the emotional burden.  Consult with her so that her strengths can help you.  But then man up and do what is right.  You do it. You.

Being the head of the household means sacrificing yourself every single day for your bride.  Christ gave all He had for his bride.  Have you?


Why did Christ do this?  Out of love, yes, but Ephesians 5 gives a slightly different reason.  Verse 26-27..."that he might sanctify and cleanse it by the washing of the word, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle,or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish."  Now, fellas, I am not saying that if you sacrifice yourself for your wife she will become perfect.  Perfection is not required for your wife to live with you.  But perfection is exactly what Christ's bride had to have in order to live with Him in heaven, and He gave it all to make that happen.  I am saying if you will sacrifice yourself for your wife, you will make her more suited for dwelling with you.  Don't believe me?  Keep reading.

The next verse says that loving your wife this way is like loving your own flesh.  If you have a sore ankle, do you treat it by going on a 10 mile run on pavement?  No, you baby it...ice it down....wrap it up...whatever it needs to heal.  Well, if you have a sore wife, don't add to the injury.  Baby her, or wrap her up, or do whatever it takes.  Sacrifice your time and maybe even your pride, and give her what she needs and what comforts her.  The result will be a happier wife, a happier home, and a happier you.


What do women want?  A man.  Not another child she has to direct.  Not a master she has to appease.  Not a stranger coming into her domain issuing edicts and demands.  Not an animal to feed and clean up after.  A man......who is strong, and kind, and loving.  A man who cherishes and admires her as a precious treasure.  A man to stand up and provide security and stability.  A man who will wash dishes to give her a 15 minute break.  A man who will fill her up emotionally after she has been sucked dry by the children.  A man who recognizes that loving her requires hardship and sacrifice on his part, and who does so without complaint.

That's what we want, fellas.  I didn't say it was easy.  But that is what we are looking for.  Are you up for the challenge?  You can't do it by yourself, but you can do all things through Christ.  Pray to Him to show you where to improve and for strength to do so.  I have to think that Christ is particularly compassionate towards husbands, because He knows exactly what it means to be successful at that job.  He knows the pains and the trials of self sacrifice.  But, oh friends, He also knows the joys.  And I must believe that He wants you to know those joys to.

Our Number 1 Issue

I am a control freak.  I come from a long line of control freaks on my paternal side of the family.  My husband is a laid back sort of fellow.  He comes from a long line of laid back sorts on his maternal side.  You would think this is a good combo...a control freak tempered by someone who can roll with the punches, and a  let's watch life happen kind of person pushed to action by a carpe diem sort.  And it is a good combo...IF it is kept under control.

Usually, when there is tension between HBON and myself, it can be traced back to these personality traits.  I run around making decisions left and right, leading our family down the path I think we should go, dealing with one crisis after another....and resenting that I am forced to be on front lines while HBON is sitting back watching the show.  He is loving our children through the chaos my decisions can create, rolling with the punches, supporting my decisions....and resenting me for relegating him to a back seat.  Did you notice that I start blaming him for my actions and he starts blaming me for his?

So, if we are smart, when this trend starts to develop, we STOP and identify that this ugly monster has reared its head once again.  Notice, I said again.  This is not a one and done kind of struggle.  It is something we have dealt with many times in the past, and will present itself in the future I am sure.  It sneaks up on us in different disguises and from different directions, but at its root it is the same problem.

Once we have been able to identify the problem, we PRAY for strength and patience to do what is right.  Even though we have tackled this problem before, it is still a battle.  Maybe our tactics have been refined over the years, but we still have to actively engage in the fight, and we absolutely know we need God to give us strength for that fight to be won.

We go back and STUDY this scripture : Ephesians 5:22-33 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church : and he is the savior of the body.  Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.  Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; that He might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word.  That He might present in to Himself a glorious church, not having pot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no an ever yet hateth his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: for we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.  This is a great mystery; but I speak concerning Christ and the church.  Nevertheless, let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

And then we try and DO it.  I try to back off and leave him room to make a decision...even if it is not as quickly as I want.  Respect and trust are shown each time I back off and allow him to fulfill his role as head of our household.  He tries to step up and lead, even if it is extremely uncomfortable for him to be out in front.  When he does, he loves and cherishes me in a way that nurtures my soul.  I can help him in his roll, he can help me in mine; but we each have to perform our tasks and let the other perform theirs.  And things get better...EVERY TIME.

Our natural tendencies and strengths turn into weaknesses in our marriage if we don't channel them properly.  Just because a particular behavior is natural does not mean that it is profitable. I have heard women say "I wear the pants in our family" and I cringe every time I hear that.  "There is a way that seemeth right unto man, but the end therof are the ways of death."  They may think it works for them, but I know that if they would back off and give their husband room to lead, the home would work smoother.  Of course, the husband has to step up, overcome his tendency to just roll with it, and lead.  If he will, the home will run smoother, love and respect between spouses will grow, and God will be served.

I would encourage each of us to stop and think about our role in our marriage.  Are we about our work?  Are we helping our spouse to be about their work?  Are we falling into bad habits that burden our beloved?  Are we doing things God's way?

I hope to spend a few days focusing on what it means for a man to be the head of the wife, and the wife to reverence her husband. I know there will be some who will read this series and will feel their hackles rise.  I ask those people to give me a chance to fully explain my views on this before you give up on the topic, please.  If you are a person who thinks the idea of the man being the head of the household and the woman being submissive to him is antiquated or demeaning, I would encourage you to study the scripture along with me with an open heart and mind, and see what God's way is.  Don't take my word for it.  Go to the Bible, find what scripture says, and then just give it a try.  You might be surprised.