Some Don'ts of Fighting

As stated in the previous post, due to our sinful nature, two people who spend a lot of time together will eventually disagree.  How we handle that moment is of utmost importance to our marriage, our children, our friends, and our churches.  A marriage where hateful words and actions are an everyday occurrence is in danger of divorce.  Children's perception of love is shaped, to a large degree, by what they see in their parent's relationship.  A child who witnesses her parents constantly fighting will assume that is right and normal for their marriage.  This thought is scary.  Is the relationship my children see between HBON and myself something I would want them to experience in their lives?  Friends feel compelled to take sides when a couple is fighting and that expands the conflict to others.  Churches made up of fussing families have trouble focusing on God and His goodness instead of how everyone is reacting to each other today.  So contention is something that effects more than the two people involved.  Therefore, we must strive to limit its occurrence and learn to fight in a way that will cause as little harm as possible.

There should be some hard and fast rules when it comes to fussing and feuding.  These are easy to say and hard to do, especially in the heat of the moment. Most endeavors that are worth pursuing fall into this category.

          Never fight in front of the children.  Children should see their parents as an indivisible team.  Discipline is easier.  Children feel safe and secure.  They expect relationships to be about love instead of anger.  They know their parents love each other and them.  Unfortunately, we parents goof up and break this rule.  When we do, it is important to reestablish the sense of security for our children.  It is important for them to see that their parents still love each other and are ashamed that the children saw the fight.  Teaching children by example about forgiveness and love, is one of the most important jobs we have as parents.  Hopefully, we can teach them this without them seeing us fight with each other, but if we slip and fight in front of them, we should MAKE SURE they understand the best part of fighting is making up.

          Never say or do anything to demean your spouse.  Fighting over a point of contention should not turn into a personal attack.  In the heat of the moment, we are likely to say things for the sole purpose of wounding someone who has wounded us.  This should be avoided at all costs.  Our spouse might doubt are reasoning ability, logic, or even our sanity, but he should never, EVER, doubt our love.  When we act in a way that communicates "I don't love you"  instead of "I an mad at you" we have crossed a line.  If we cross that line too many times, our spouse will start believing our actions.  Especially for women, there are no words in the English language to communicate love if they are not followed by action.  And ladies, if you want your husbands to act like men, their manhood must never be questioned or undermined in the heat of anger.  That sort of blow will be extremely difficult, if not impossible, to repair.  And physical attacks are to never be tolerated.

        Never fight as a team.  Fusses between spouses should stay between spouses.  I am not saying that you can't talk with friends to get advice and counsel or to vent a little in order to maintain a level of decorum.  But  you cannot talk to friends in order to influence the fuss one way or the other.  You cannot talk to friends to get them on your side.  In fact, a true friend, on hearing the opposing positions, might very well tell you that you are wrong and your spouse is right.  If you are not willing to hear that from the person to whom you are speaking, just keep your mouth closed.  Your friend should never doubt your love and respect for your spouse during the conversation.  If your goal is to malign your husband, it would be best to not say anything.  The conversation should be about your state of mind and your struggle, not his.  And the conversation with the friend should NEVER occur on social media.  There is absolutely, positively NO REASON AN ARGUMENT SHOULD EVER MAKE AN APPEARANCE ON FACEBOOK.  Face to face is best for these sorts of conversations. Over the phone can be a substitute if necessary.  But remember, a peaceful conclusion must be reached by you and your spouse, alone.  If a conversation with a friend would impede the progress of resolving the disagreement, just stay quiet.

        Pride must be mortified.  All arguments are based on pride.  I think I am right.  He thinks he is right.  We are sure of our rightness.  So we fuss.  The fuss will never be resolved if we do not admit we could be wrong.  Sometimes I am wrong.  Sometimes he is wrong.  Sometimes it takes a fuss to figure out which one of us is wrong.  But if we are not willing to swallow our pride and admit we are wrong, the fuss will just keep going.  The longer it lasts, the more likely we are to break one of these rules and cause lasting damage.  And I guess that is the real 'don't' of fighting......

      Don't cause lasting damage.  In most cases, being right is not worth causing lasting damage.  Winning an argument is not worth hurting our spouse, our children, our fiends, our churches.  It's just not worth it.  It just isn't.

Contending Against Contention

KJV 

Proverbs 21:19 "It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and angry woman."

           Proverbs 21:9 "It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide                                                                           house"

Proverbs 24:24 "It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house.'

If two sinners spend much time in each others proximity, they will eventually disagree.  Husbands and wives have ample opportunity to experience this unfortunate fact of life.  How we express that disagreement will affect how we feel toward each other and ourselves.  It will affect the mood of our home, and the relationships of those who are our closest friends.  The children will react to our actions and will imitate what they see.  So how we disagree is important.

Recently, HBON and I have been having a fuss.  Discretion insists that I not go into details on the World Wide Web, but suffice it to say that we have opposing views concerning a pretty significant topic.  And that is unusual for us.  In 15 years of marriage, I do not believe we have ever disagreed over something significant.  I remember a fuss we had in Dallas while in the midst of heavy traffic, difficulties agreeing over which sofa to buy, growing pains as we learned what offended our new spouse...but never a disagreement over something significant.  I attribute this blessing primarily to HBON.  He is a patient and kind man, and while he sometimes drags he feet in making decisions, he usually is right on target when he does make them.  But right now, we are struggling.

We've been kicking this topic around for about five months, and doing so fairly amicably.  He states his view and we discuss it pros and cons.  I state my view, and we discuss that.  All this discussion taking place with mature, quiet voices.  But a few days ago something changed.  He brought a friend over to me and asked him to tell me some facts that pertained to this topic.  And I got mad.  I felt like I had been set up.  The whole time this friend is telling me his story, I get angrier.  I maintain my composure until we get in the car to go home, with, unfortunately, my children in the back seat.  At this point I should keep my mouth shut and wait until we are alone to calmly discuss how I am feeling.  I SHOULD do that.  Instead, I start pushing.    I push on the way home, and while we get ready for bed.  I ask him why he set me up, and he said that was not his intention.  Disbelieving, I continue to push until his amazingly, long fuse has burned itself out and he gets aggravated with me. I tell him to make his decision and that is what we will do.  And then I shut up.

Now, ladies, we all know that shut up is the proper term for what I have done...not close my mouth, or be quiet....shut up.  I quit talking about that topic and most others.  I am dutifully affectionate.  I care for my children, do my chores, attend to our needs, but the whole time I keep myself closed off emotionally from my husband.  And I feel so justified in doing so.   I am submitting to my husband.  I am fulfilling my duty. I am keeping my mouth shut, refusing to discuss the topic anymore. I am NOT being a contentious woman.

The days roll on, and I am not sleeping well.  My son starts acting out in ways he hasn't in weeks.  My daughter gets sassy.  My patience is thin, and inside of my heart there is a seed of resentment that is blooming into a plant.  I want him to come ask me about the problem; to approach me so I can tell him how hurt I am by his bringing someone else into the discussion on his side.  But I am unapproachable.  I keep on....and on...and on...until finally I find myself leaving rooms he is entering so I don't have to try to pretend nothing is wrong.  And I realize I am miserable   So the next time we are alone I say we have to talk, and I explode.  All of the hurt and frustration and anger come bursting out, and I say things in a way I should not.  I realize I am out of control...apologize for that...and ask him to say something.  He tells me he had not intended to set me up, but just thought to give me the information first hand instead of second hand.

And here we are at the turning point.  He hadn't meant to set me up.  I was faced with a choice.  I could continue to be mad and hurt and not believe him.  Or I could choose to believe him.  

I have been married to this man for over fifteen years.  He has loved me, provided for me, been faithful and kind to me for fifteen years.  I could choose to believe he had somehow morphed into a manipulative person, or I could believe he had made a mistake. I was faced with this choice the first night, if you remember, and I chose not to believe. I was contentious. 

But this time, I trusted that he would not lie to me. And I believed him. And the world righted itself.

We still have not come to complete agreement about the topic, but we are discussing it....calmly, rationally, lovingly.  I am not mad or shutting myself off from him.  The children are calmer and more obedient because they know we are a team again.  I have been sleeping better.  Our home is a happy and relaxing place for our family.  Choosing rational, adult conversation; choosing to believe and trust the man I have loved for years and who has loved me; choosing a discussion over an argument or the silent treatment; choosing to walk according to scripture instead of my own pride; has paid off....again.

I have more to post on this subject, but this is lengthy enough for now.  So we will say.....to be continued.

Disclaimer.....this post has been HBON approved.

Go Read This...It Is Worth Your Time

http://bekahsacran.blogspot.com/2013/02/13-versus-31.html

Didn't I Say Baby Steps?

I have realized the scripture I have been focusing on the last few weeks is not a baby step scripture.  KJV Proverbs 31:27 "She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness."  This is more the ultimate goal, isn't it?  If I wake up early so that I can get my day, my husband's day, and my children's day off to a good start; that is looking well to the ways of my household and eating not the bread of idleness.  Waking up is a baby step that contributes to the end goal.  I can wake up.  I can take that small step every day.  Trying to never eat the bread of idleness is overwhelming.  I've been choking on the elephant....so to speak.

So my ultimate goal is to not be idle, to pay attention to the people in my home - to their hearts, their habits, their paths- to serve God by being a servant to the people in my life.  Now that my goal is clearly defined, I hope to get back to baby steps, small accomplishments, and slow but steady progress.

Community Brainstorming Session

I realized today that in trying to not be idle I am looking well to my housework, but maybe not to the ways of my household.  The dishes, laundry, clutter, and dust bunnies are not my household...they are my housework.  So what are the ways of a household?  I have some ideas, but I would really like to know your's. Please comment below and let's find out together what things I should be tending and what things might get in the way.

When I Grow Up

You know how children want to be adults.  They strive to be older, we strive to keep them young.  They want to be a grown-up.  We tell them to enjoy childhood because it is gone before you know it.  You understand this cycle.  Well, I feel like I'm having a child-like moment.  I just want to be all grown up.

This not being idle business is kicking my tail.  I'll do good for a morning, and bad in the afternoon.  I'll have a good day followed by a bad one.  It is two steps forward  and three steps back,  and I just want to be on the other side.  Making myself wake up at 5:00 am was a walk in the park compared to not overly indulging in idleness.  I only had to make the decision to wake up once a day, but staying busy is a choice I am faced with over and over again.  I want it to be a habit to be busy, instead of a chore.  I just want it to be what I do without thinking about it.  I want this lesson to be learned.

I have an aunt by marriage that is the most amazing woman I know.  I really do not think this is an exaggeration.  She is kind, humble, hardworking, loving, well-read, talented, thrifty, and charitable.  She loves her husband in a way that steals my breath and brings tears to my eyes when I catch a glimpse. The bread of idleness is just not in her pantry. Her children, all 4, rise up and call her blessed.  Her grandchildren....all 22....rise up and call her blessed.  Her great-grandchildren...22 with two on the way...rise up and call her blessed once they are old enough to recognize who and what she is.  In short, she is my hero and inspiration, and if she knew I was publicly saying these things about her, I would be in trouble.  I want to be Auntie when I grow up, and I want to be grown up now.

But Auntie didn't start out being the woman she is now.  She was a young newly-wed once upon a time, learning what it was to be a good wife.  She had to learn how to deal with difficult children and busy schedules without a full night's sleep.    She had to fight weariness, sadness, frustration, and pain just like I do.  She had to learn to deal with disappointment in herself and with others.  She wasn't born wise.  But she served God all of her life.  She went through the fires of life, trusting God  for strength, striving to serve Him. Now, she is as refined gold.

So when I chafe because I don't want to be "little" anymore, because I want to be "all grown up", I should remember that the fire refines the gold.  Without one there cannot be the other.  I won't have the wisdom of a lifetime until I have lived a lifetime.  So I should listen to one who has lived the life I am now living, and I should heed my Aunt's advice when she tells me, "Treasure these days, they are gone too quickly."  While it feels like this stage of life will last forever, just like my childhood, it will fly by and there will be no going back.  While it feels like I will never get this lesson pounded into my stubborn and thick head, I must take a deep breath, trust God to give me strength, and try again.  If I do that for many, many years, one day my children might rise up and call me blessed.

My hero and her fella!

KJV Proverbs 31:30  "Favor is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised."

Idleness is Sneaky

Friday afternoon, my house looked great, one child was playing happily, the other was at a friend's house, I was making supper, and my husband was working on a project.  "We are really humming along," I thought to myself.  "This not eating idleness is really paying off."  And it was.  I had a great week and everything just flowed better.  My breaks were ten minutes instead of sixty, which meant I got more work done and had more time to play with the children.  I was more patient, they were better behaved, and HBON noticed the house was more orderly.  It was working.

Then after supper Friday night, when my husband went to ball practice to pick up my daughter, I decided to be lazy "just for a while".  A friend came home with my daughter to spend the night, so instead of cleaning up supper, I visited with the girls and then went to bed.  Saturday morning I woke up, loaded most of the supper dishes into the dishwasher, made breakfast, got the laundry started, and then we all went down to clean the church.  Then we went to a ball game, and then a baby shower.  When I got home, I decided to rest and watch a ball game with my husband.  Then he talked me into ordering a pizza and we watched a movie as a family.  Then we went to bed.  Sunday morning we woke up and rushed around and left for church at 8:15 am and arrived home at 4:00 pm.  I laid down to rest and read.  Then we watched the Super Bowl.  Then we went to bed.

Now it is Monday morning, and as I survey the pile of dirty dishes....Saturday morning's breakfast dishes through Sunday nights supper dishes....and I look at the toys scattered everywhere, and the laundry that is not folded, and floor that was not swept...and as I feel the tension all of this causes settle into my shoulders, I am realizing the cost of idleness.   But what gets me the most is I did not see myself as idling at the time.  Resting...spending time with my family....taking a break....having fun.....but not being idle. Idleness can sneak up on us so quickly and quietly and rob us of our peace. Thirty minutes Friday night, one hour Saturday afternoon, 45 minutes Sunday afternoon...that is all it would have taken.  I would still have had plenty of time with my family.  Instead, I idly lazed around and now I must spend the day squeezing some pretty hefty cleaning into a school day.

Idleness is sneaky.  Friday afternoon I thought I had it all under control.  Monday morning, I know better.  I should remember that pride goeth before a fall.  I should remember that he that thinketh he standeth should take heed lest he fall. I should remember that idleness is a tool of Satan and is therefore subtle. Most of all, I should remember though I slip and fall and fail, that God never does, and He loves me and is for me.  Remembering this makes trying again easier and even a little exciting.  I have a chance today to serve God.  That is a pretty wonderful to do list.