Some Thoughts on Marriage

First, a disclaimer.  I have been married for 16+years to an absolutely amazing man.  He makes it easy to have a good marriage.  I don't claim to have been through some of the trials many have had to endure, and I don't claim to know all there is to know about a happy marriage.  However, in our 16 years together, we have figured out a few things. Take them for what they're worth.

The most important thing I have learned is that if our relationship is not what it should be, we have deviated in some way from the pattern set in the Bible.  He is not leading.  I am not submitting.  One or the other of us is not being charitable.  One of us has become angry and sinned versus becoming angry and sinning not.  One of our tongues (usually mine) has gotten out of control.  I have not left my parents and cleaved unto my husband.  He has not cherished me above all other women...even (especially?) his mother and sisters.  We have not sought after God as individuals or as a couple.  When something is wrong in a marriage, I honestly believe it ALWAYS comes down to not doing something we are instructed to in the word of God.

This gives me hope.  I know that whatever the problem is, if I can find identify it, there is a solution to be found.  And since the solution comes from a perfect and loving God, if I implement the solution, it will work. Identifying the problem can be difficult and might require the help of others.  Implementing the solution is sure to be hard as it usually involves some habit breaking and flesh mortifying.  But knowing that the problem is me, and knowing that the solution is to be found in a careful study of the scriptures, always gives me an action plan when something is off between HBON and myself.  And this action plan will work for you, too.

Stop.  

Just take a minute to quit experiencing the problem and start identifying it.

Pray.  

For wisdom to see the problem and to find the solution.  For patience to wait on the Lord for guidance.  And for strength to take the necessary steps to fix the problem.

Study. 

Don't try to reinvent the wheel.  Look to scripture, pour over scripture, search diligently through the scripture for the solution to your problem.  It is there if we will just look.

Do.  

This is the trickiest part.  Implementing the solutions found in the word is rarely easy.  However, it has been my experience that it is MUCH easier than continuing down a destructive path.  Anything worth having is worth fighting for, and a good marriage is no different.

         One more note under this heading, I can "do" for myself, but I can't implement the solution for HBON.  He has to fix his own faults and I have to fix mine.  Usually one helps the other, but not by trying to.  For example, if I am struggling with being charitable and HBON extends charity to me, it is easier for me to extend charity to him.  If, instead, HBON tells me I need to be more charitable, it is liable to anger and hurt me and charity could get buried under all of that.  His fixing a fault, i.e. being charitable, helps me more than if he tried to "help" me.

Stop. Pray. Study. Do.

Easier said than done,  I know.  But, I promise you, it works.  EVERY TIME.

I'll share some of the lessons I have learned over the years while following this action plan.  I'll share some problems HBON and I have faced, the scriptures that showed me (us) the solution, and what effect implementing them had.  HBON will have complete veto power over all of these posts, so know that he is okay with the things I am saying.  And also know that I don't consider myself an expert on this topic.  I learn and relearn how to be a better wife every single day.  But I do know some things now that I didn't know a few years ago, and if these little lessons can help you, then this will be worth my time.  If nothing else, you will at least know that you are not alone in this constant job of marriage building.

A Lesson From My Daddy

I told this story the other night to some friends, and I thought I would share it with you.  Those of you who know me well have probably heard me tell this story before, but just in case you haven't...here you go.

In high school, I was a busy kid.  Choir, barbershop, musicals, basketball......sometimes I would leave the house at 7:00 am and not return until 10:00 pm.  So my parents purchased one of the coolest, new gizmos on the market....a bag phone for the car.  It looked very much like this.

  I was so super cool!!

I was only allowed to take the phone on days I would be getting home late.  The rest of the time it was on our kitchen counter or in my Daddy's car.  So the cigarette lighter in my car was always open (did you notice the plug for the phone?), and the ashtray was always sticking out so that I could quickly plug in or take out the phone.   The ashtray became the place for spare change, which worked fine when the phone was plugged in.  But one day, when the phone was at home, a penny somehow got into the open cigarette lighter and shorted out the computer in my car.

OOPS!!

Daddy was pretty gracious about it, told me everyone made mistakes, and paid to get my car fixed...a few hundred dollars.  Then I got my car back.

Then it happened again.

 In less than a week.

A penny.  In the lighter.  Shorted out computer.

I had to tell my Daddy.

Yup.  Not good.

Now some of you may think this is going to be a story about the power of forgiveness and understanding.  Or perhaps you think this will be a story about how to seize the teachable moments to calmly and rationally explain a concept to a child.  This is not that story.


When I told him what had happened, the look on my Daddy's face was total disbelief and consternation.  That was followed by a flash of anger that settled into frustration and exasperation.  As I watched these emotions flicker across his face, I was cringing inside.  He was silent for a full minute before he finally just looked at me and said in all seriousness..."Are you just stupid?"

Some of you might think the question harsh.  It was certainly shocking to me.  But as he went on to explain that most people, after the first time, would have realized an ashtray was not the best place to keep the spare change, I woke up.  He had a point.  Continuing the habit of sticking my change in the ashtray with the open cigarette lighter and not expecting something to go wrong was...well...stupid.  I had no defense.  It hit home.  And I have never forgotten the lesson.

Bad habits lead to bad consequences.  To change a consequence you must change the habit.  To do the same thing, again and again, expecting different results is......stupid.

My Daddy gives an embarrassed chuckle when I tell this story around him.  He's a little embarrassed he called his daughter stupid, but I am so thankful that he did.  Nothing else would have permeated the self-centered, all knowing attitude that is a teenager.  It was like a glass of cold water tossed over the top of the shower curtain while taking a hot bath.  It was shocking, and effective.

I look at some of the famous young women who fail over and over again making fools of themselves. I look at our leaders who can't agree on what day of the week it is much less what will help our country. I look at some adults who never seem to be able to pay the bills though their households are blessed with plenty of money.  I look at all of these people and pity them.  They obviously didn't have a father who loved them enough to call them stupid.  I am glad that I did.

Indecision Is the Culprit

I haven't posted for a while because I can't decide which way I want to go with this blog.  I enjoyed my year in Proverbs, posting primarily about changes I tried to make according to the wisdom found in that marvelous book.  Part of me wants to continue along those same lines, but branching out from Proverbs.  Part of me wants to use this space as a place to exhort myself to do what is right according to scripture instead of according to my reasoning.  However, I am scared of seeming like a know-it-all, watch-me-be-amazing Pharisee, so I am hesitant to go this way.  Part of me would like to just blog about the everyday occurrences in life that I will forget and someday wish I could remember.  Yet, I don't want to bore all eight of you all with the mundane happenings of  Casa Verde.  I would like to be able to give you great tips and tricks for making your houses a home and your families close knit and your friendships priceless.  But, I don't know enough tips and tricks.  Perhaps I should do some combo of the above.  See....indecision.

So, I am going to pass the buck to you.  Please, take a moment and tell me would you like more post from scripture or is it time for me to be silent for a while.  Would you like to see what goes on in our home, or should I pull the blinds?  Would you like the one or two things I have figured out about households and kiddos and friends, or would you prefer I leave that o an expert.  I need more info to kick this indecision to a curb and find a place to focus.  Any assistance you could render would be appreciated.  Thanks!